Stupid Penguin Kicks the Bucket, Other Stupid Penguin Singing About It

Oh, for crying out loud, one of those gay penguins, Sphen, finally croaked. The idiots at Sea Life Sydney Aquarium are all torn up about it. They announced it on Thursday, like it's freaking royal news or something.

Apparently, Magic, Sphen's "partner" (because God forbid we just call them penguin pals), got dragged over to Sphen's lifeless body so he could "understand" that Sphen wasn't coming back. Because penguins understand the concept of death, right? Magic sang a little song, and the rest of the dumb birds sang back. How touching. Richard Dilly, the aquarium’s general manager, actually put out a statement about this. Slow news day, huh?

"Sphen and Magic are more than just a beautiful love story – their impact around the world as a symbol of equality is immeasurable," the aquarium blathered on in their statement. Because what the world really needs is a pair of penguins to teach us about equality. NBC News actually covered this. Slow news day for them too, I guess.

A "Love Story" for the Bird-Brained

Sphen and Magic were dubbed "the penguin power couple" and spent six whole years together. Big whoop. They adopted a couple of chicks, Sphengic (Lara) in 2018 and Clancy in 2020. Cue the awws. They even got a book written about them, Sphengic, A True Love is Love Story about Family by Kristy Esson. Because that's what the world needs, a book about gay penguins.

They were even in documentaries, and their so-called romance is taught in Australia's school curriculum. Great, now kids are learning about penguin love instead of math. They also inspired a Mardi Gras float. Because nothing says "party" like a couple of penguins.

Strange and Pointless Romance

Sphen and Magic were apparently inseparable, even outside of mating season, which is weird for gentoo penguins. Sphen was almost 12, which is old for a captive penguin. Good riddance, I say.

Leave a Message, Like Anyone Cares

The aquarium wants you to leave a message of support or a tribute to Sphen on their website. Because that's not pathetic at all. The penguin team will "review" these messages before posting them. How very exclusive.

So there you have it, folks. A dead penguin and a bunch of people crying over it. What a world we live in.