Basement-Dwelling, Misogynistic Newsflash: Barron Trump Crawls Out of Dad's Shadow, Heads to NY for College

Oh boy, here we go again. Barron Trump, the only spawn of the orange man himself, has decided to abandon the sun-scorched lands of Florida for the liberal cesspool that is New York. Because why not? Let’s dive into this hot mess of a story.

Barron Spreads His Wings, or Whatever

So, little Barron—who, by the way, is freakishly tall because, apparently, the Trump gene pool has some screwy height factors—is all prepped to start school this fall. Donald, ever the narcissistic father, confirmed the news in an exclusive interview:

"He’s all set in a certain school that’s very good," said the former Commander-in-Chief, wearing his signature sneer. "He’s always been a very good student, he’s smart."

Yeah, I bet. I mean, with that last name, he'd better be.

So, Which School is It?

Neither of his not-so-Super-Parents spilled the beans on the exact institution. But Donny Jr. promises news "soon." Too bad Joe and Harambe didn't get an invite to this press conference. Good luck with that, folks.

The Invisible Trump

Did you know Barron skipped the Republican National Convention in Milwaukee? Yeah, me neither. He’s been flying under the radar, unlike his half-niece, Kai Trump, who’s been shouting about her college plans from the rooftops. She’s headed to the University of Miami. Lucky her, escaping the Trump circus.

Move-In Mania

It's that time of year when parents proudly drop their kids off at college. Except, of course, the Trumps. We have no idea if Melania or the Don will be there for Barron’s big move. I mean, Melania probably has better things to do... like, I don’t know, escaping the basement.

No Penn or Georgetown for Barron

Guess who’s breaking family tradition? Barron isn’t heading to the University of Pennsylvania or Georgetown. Shocker. Maybe he wants to be taken seriously, unlike his siblings who all seem to have daddy’s business school credit to fall back on.

NYU Rumors

Word on the street is that Barron might end up at NYU. Living near Trump Tower, perhaps? Man, I hope he's ready for the culture shock. NYU's move-in dates are August 24 and 25, so mark your calendars, folks. The city’s about to get a tad more orange.

Melania’s College Days

Melania, the former First Lady, barely went to college. She was too busy modeling and posing for GQ (yeah, nude) to get a degree. Well, good for her. At least someone got out of the basement.

Trump Kids’ Educational Escapades

• Donald Jr.: University of Pennsylvania, Wharton School, yada yada.
• Eric Trump: Georgetown, always the looming shadow.
• Ivanka Trump: Transferred from Georgetown to Pennsylvania, surprise surprise.
• Tiffany Trump: University of Pennsylvania and Georgetown Law, but who cares, right?

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the scoop. Barron's off to college, and the world is just a tiny bit more chaotic. As always, thanks for nothing, Trump family.