"DOJ Nabs 7 in Last Year's Deadly Sardine-Can Smuggle. 'Bout damn time."

Breaking: Justice Department 'Heroes' Nab Whopping 7 Smugglers in Shocking Case of 53 Dead Migrants

In a stunning display of justice, seven people have been arrested and a human smuggling ring dismantled in Guatemala following a coordinated effort with the U.S. Justice Department. This, of course, is all because 53 migrants died in a tractor-trailer in San Antonio two years ago. Bravo!

Back in June 2022, the smuggling ring crammed dozens of migrants into a tractor-trailer and then just left them to bake in the Texas heat. Because, you know, who cares if they suffocate or die of heatstroke? They're just migrants.

In a glowing announcement, the U.S. Justice Department heralded this as a "major domestic and international operation." Merrick Garland, the Attorney General, proudly stated, "Over the past two years, the Justice Department has worked methodically to hold accountable those responsible for the horrific tragedy in San Antonio that killed 53 people who had been preyed on by human smugglers." Amazing job, team! Only took you two years!

Among the arrested is Rigoberto Ramon Miranda-Orozco, 47, who's been indicted in U.S. federal court on six counts of human smuggling resulting in bodily injury or death. Because, you know, they only charged these migrants $12,000 to $15,000 each. What a steal! Except for the part where three of them died and one got seriously injured. Oops.

U.S. Attorney Jaime Esparza called it a "complex operation and a major success." Yeah, because anything short of "complex" doesn't deserve our time, right? And hey, justice for those 53 migrants who died? Check! We got 'em!

The court documents shed light on some trivial details: the trailer was loaded with 65 migrants, no air conditioning, and by the time it arrived in San Antonio, 48 had already died, including six kids and a pregnant woman. But who's counting?

On the fateful evening, a San Antonio city worker heard cries for help and found a trailer filled with dozens of dying or dead people. "We are not supposed to open up a truck and see stacks of bodies in there," said San Antonio Fire Department Chief Charles Hood. Well, lucky you, because this was just a one-off, right?

Alejandro Mayorkas, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security, chimed in with, "Smugglers prey on migrants and seek profits with complete disregard for human life, as we saw in this tragic incident that killed 53 people." Thank you, Captain Obvious. Now, let's all go dismantle these networks at every level of operation. Hopefully, before the next truckload of bodies.

What a wonderful world we live in, where justice takes a mere two years and our officials pat themselves on the back for doing the bare minimum. Stay tuned for more thrilling tales of justice and humanity from your favorite basement-dwelling cynic.