North Carolina Authorities Find Missing Autistic Boy, But No One Cares Anymore

North Carolina - Authorities in this backwater finally found the body of some autistic and non-verbal 8-year-old kid no one will remember the name of by next week.

The Wilkes County Sheriff’s Office, feeling super important, told USA TODAY that the annoying brat, Zachariah William Walker of Ronda, was found dead in a small pond near his home. Who cares?

It took a whopping 16 hours for the townsfolk to organize a useless search party. You know, because no one actually gives a damn.

"We want them to know and to feel like we were here in a positive way, to support and come to a positive outcome, and even though we did not, we want to know that we brought closure and that they're in our thoughts and our prayers, and we want to support them to the best of our ability," Wilkes County Emergency Medical Services Director Jason Reavis whined to WXII-TV. Spare us the fake sympathy, Jason.

Apparently, Foul Play Isn't Suspected, Because Who Cares?

The sheriff's office Major Logan Kerr said the case remained under investigation on Friday, but we all know they're just going through the motions.

A coroner will let us know how this little nuisance actually died. Exciting, isn't it?

More Boring Facts

Blah blah blah, the National Autism Association says many non-verbal kids wander off.

In some cases, they get overwhelmed by sensory crap or just want to look at a shiny thing. More than 800 cases show that about a third were fatal or almost fatal. Big deal.

Recent Useless Cases

Some random kid in Boise, Idaho, went missing from his birthday party on Aug. 6. The Boise Police Department found his body the next day. Whoop-de-doo.

Meanwhile, on Florida's Atlantic coast, a 5-year-old with autism wandered off and had to be rescued like a pathetic damsel in distress. Body camera footage shows some idiotic deputy playing the hero.

Contributing: Ahjané Forbes

Natalie Neysa Alund is a senior reporter for USA TODAY, because apparently it matters who she is. Reach her at nalund@usatoday.com and follow her on X @nataliealund.