Oh Great, Another Sweltering Summer in This Forsaken City

Yeah, yeah, it's hot. We get it. The city of Austin, in its infinite wisdom, has decided to close most of its free pools because apparently, lifeguards have better things to do, like "get an education" or whatever. Thanks a lot, Kanya Lyons and the Parks and Recreation Department. Really appreciate that one.

The Chosen Few: Year-Round Pools

• Bartholomew Pool (1800 E. 51st St.): Open in the afternoons until 8 p.m. on weekdays and 7 p.m. on weekends. Because who needs to swim in the morning, right?

• Barton Springs (2131 William Barton Drive): shell out $5 to $8 to freeze your butt off in 68-70 degree water. But hey, at least it's open until 10 p.m., and you can swim for free after 9 p.m. Woohoo!

• Big Stacy (700 E. Live Oak St.): The only free year-round pool. Great, now it's gonna be packed with all the cheapskates. Open 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. on weekdays and noon to 7 p.m. on weekends.

• Deep Eddy Pool (401 Deep Eddy Ave.): Celebrating 110 years of... being a pool. Closed on the first Tuesday of every month, because apparently pools need personal days too.

• Springwoods (13320 Lyndhurst St.): A waterslide and wading area for the little rugrats. Open on weekends from noon to 7 p.m. Because God forbid the kids have fun during the week.

The Weekend Warriors

• Garrison (6001 Menchaca Road): Open on weekends from noon to 7 p.m. Prepare to pay anywhere from $2 to $9. Thanks, price gougers.

• Mabel Davis (3427 Parker Lane) & Walnut Creek (12138 N. Lamar Blvd.): Both free and both open on weekends from noon to 7 p.m. Get ready to fight for a spot, fellow peasants.

So there you have it. Enjoy your miserable summer, suckers. Don't forget to thank your local government for this stellar selection of overcrowded, overpriced pools.