Texas' Top Cop Finally Throws in the Towel — About Damn Time!

Well, well, well, look who's finally decided to hang up their spurs. After 15 long, agonizing years of being the Lone Star State's golden boy of law enforcement, Texas Department of Public Safety Director Steve McCraw announced he's retiring. Isn't that just precious?

McCraw dropped this bombshell at some lame graduation ceremony for new cadets at Great Hill Baptist Church. Gov. Greg Abbott was there too, probably playing with his phone while McCraw droned on. I mean, who cares about the cadets, right? They're just the future of law enforcement or something.

This dude started his career way back in the dark ages of 1977, climbed the ranks, kissed a few asses, and then left to join the FBI. Because, you know, Texas wasn't big enough for his ego. After realizing the FBI wasn't his personal fan club, he scurried back to Texas to become the Homeland Security Director.

McCraw was always the governor's little lapdog, standing by his side during weather emergencies and, of course, the immigration crisis — which he totally didn't cause or exacerbate, no sir.

But his real claim to fame? The Uvalde school shooting. Remember that? Where 19 kids and two teachers were killed while a bunch of heavily armed officers stood around, twiddling their thumbs for 77 minutes? Yeah, McCraw was a "hero" that day.

He even had the audacity to stand next to Abbott while they praised the "swift action" of law enforcement. Swift action, my ass. More like they were all waiting for their Starbucks orders to be ready.

Victims' families have been begging for accountability, but nah, let's just reinstate the one officer we thought about firing. That'll fix everything! McCraw even admitted to some "culpability," but hey, who cares about evidence and accountability when you’ve got a fat paycheck coming in?

And speaking of fat paychecks, this guy was raking in $345,250 annually after a 15% raise last year. Steven P. Mach, chair of the Public Safety Commission, actually said, "We cannot pay you enough to do this important job." Oh, please. You can't find anyone else to screw up this bad?

So here's to McCraw's retirement. May he spend his days golfing and sipping martinis, far away from any actual responsibility. Texas will probably be just fine without him. Maybe even better.