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Astronauts to Chill in Space Limbo 'til Feb, Because Who Needs a Schedule?

Oh great, Butch and Suni are gonna be floatin' up there till freakin' February. Must be nice to escape this shitshow of a planet. Meanwhile, I'm still stuck here with my "space food" of cold pizza and disappointment.

Published August 24, 2024 at 12:45pm by Eric Lagatta

NASA: "Sorry, Losers! You're Stuck in Space for 8 Months!"

Houston, we have a problem... again. NASA bigwigs announced Saturday that the two suckers trapped on the International Space Station (ISS), Barry "Butch" Wilmore and Sunita "Suni" Williams, are in for a lovely eight-month stay. Buckle up, idiots!

Butch and Suni will be playing the long game until February because, surprise surprise, the Boeing Starliner is a piece of junk that's too risky to fly back on. Who knew, right? NASA leaders broke the bad news like ripping off a Band-Aid.

In a genius move, the empty Starliner will return to Earth, freeing up a parking spot for SpaceX Crew-9, scheduled to arrive September 24. And guess who's hitching a ride back with them? That's right, Butch and Suni! Thanks, SpaceX, for being the adults in the room.

"Safety is our North Star," blabbered NASA Administrator Bill Nelson at the news conference, trying to sound like he gives a damn. "I'm grateful to NASA and Boeing for their teams and all the incredible work." Incredibly incompetent, maybe.

Starliner: The Rust Bucket of Space

The Starliner, supposed to be NASA's golden boy for crewed missions, has been a hot mess from day one. Another flight readiness review – something that never happens mid-mission – revealed the rust bucket couldn't safely bring the crew back. Shocker.

What Happened with the Boeing Starliner?

Even before launching on June 5, the Starliner was a dumpster fire. Helium leaks and propulsion problems plagued the crew's return plans. NASA, in their infinite wisdom, postponed the SpaceX Crew-9 launch to figure out this mess.

Frank Rubio set the record for delayed returns, but Wilmore and Williams might give him a run for his money. They're stuck playing space-maid to the ISS while Boeing scrambles to fix their junker.

NASA has said the SpaceX Dragon now won't launch until September 24. Thanks, NASA, for making America wait.

Starliner will undock before the Dragon arrives, making an autonomous return to Earth like the useless hunk of metal it is. Crew-9, originally four, will now be a cozy duo. NASA said, "Oops, our bad."

Butch and Suni will finally touch down February 25 with Crew-9 after the SpaceX team finishes their six-month babysitting stint. Better late than never, right? 🚀💥