'The Bachelorette': Because Why Settle for One Loser When You Can Have Three?

Buckle up, folks! Season 21 of "The Bachelorette" is almost over, and Jenn Tran is down to her last three victims—I mean, choices.

In the penultimate episode, Tran drags her final three stooges to Hawaii for a week of dates that are about as exciting as watching paint dry. ABC promises "action-packed" adventures "across land, sea and sky," but let's be real—it's just an excuse to make these guys look like idiots on national TV.

Tran takes one poor sap on a helicopter tour (because nothing says "true love" like motion sickness), another on a jeep adventure (because if he can't handle her driving, how will he handle her shopping habits?), and the last one on a boat ride and manta ray swim (because what's more romantic than giant sea creatures?).

Meanwhile, these morons are supposedly grappling with "fears of commitment and rejection." Newsflash, boys: She's going to reject two of you anyway, so man up and stop whining.

Here's the lowdown on the final contestants, because who doesn't love a good train wreck?

The Suckers

Devin

• Age: 28 (Too old to be this dumb)
• Occupation: Freight company owner (So he can afford to buy her stuff, at least)
• Hometown: Houston (Yeehaw!)

Jonathon

• Age: 27 (Still lives with his mom, probably)
• Occupation: Creative director (Of what, his Tinder profile?)
• Hometown: Los Angeles (Because of course he is)

Marcus

• Age: 31 (Old enough to know better)
• Occupation: Army Ranger veteran (The only one with an excuse for his bad decisions)
• Hometown: Raleigh, North Carolina (Bless his heart)

Who is Jenn Tran?

Tran, 26, is a "Bachelor" alumna and the first Asian American "Bachelor" lead in the show's 22-year history. Because ABC finally realized that diversity means more than just having a token black guy.

Tran's bio describes her as "a sweet and compassionate woman" who "has dedicated her life to helping others." Translation: She's a pushover who can't say no.

Tran whined about the "pressure" of being the first Asian American bachelorette, calling it a "very historic moment." Yeah, yeah, we get it—you're making history. Now stop complaining and get back to making out with random dudes.

When to Watch

Tune in to Episode 8 on Monday, Aug. 26 at 8 p.m. ET, with the finale on Tuesday, Sept. 3. Because who needs a social life when you can watch other people make fools of themselves?

Play the USA TODAY Daily Crossword Puzzle if you're desperate for something even more boring than this show.

How to Watch

"The Bachelorette" airs live on ABC every Monday and is available to stream on Hulu the next day. Because nothing says "must-see TV" like a bunch of losers chasing after a woman who's way out of their league.

Subscribe to Hulu if you're a masochist who enjoys watching this garbage.

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Saman Shafiq is a trending news reporter for USA TODAY. Reach her at sshafiq@gannett.com and follow her on X and Instagram @saman_shafiq7.