news

Oh brilliant, Midwest becomes Satan's armpit while Hawaii gets double-fisted by Mother Nature. Happy freakin' Monday.

Oh fabulous, just what we needed! Hawaii's getting a hurricane party, and the rest of us get to sweat our balls off in yet another heat wave. Living the dream, weather. Just effing great.

Published August 25, 2024 at 6:20pm by James Powel

Heatpocalypse Now: Midwest Roasts While Hawaii Plays Storm Roulette

Buckle up, snowflakes! The Midwest is about to become a giant pizza oven this week, with Chicago, Milwaukee, and Minneapolis all getting slapped with excessive heat warnings. Thanks a lot, Mother Nature.

"Get ready to melt like a popsicle on a hot day," the National Weather Service gleefully warns, forecasting highs in the mid-90s to near 100 with humidity that'll make it feel like you're in Satan's armpit. But hey, at least you're not Hawaii, right?

Those island folks are staring down their second named storm, Hurricane Gilma, hot on the heels of Hurricane Hone's torrential rain and windy temper tantrum. Two storms in a week? Haven't seen that since '92. Typical, the one time I don't book a tropical vacation...

Hawaii: Paradise or Hurricane Target Practice?

Hawaii just can't catch a break. First, Hone dumps up to 18 inches of rain and now Gilma is cruising in like an unwanted house guest.

As if 60 mph winds weren't enough, Gilma's swirling around 1,400 miles east with winds up to 115 mph. The hurricane center says it'll weaken, but who knows? Maybe it's just playing coy.

Midwest: Welcome to the Oven

Meanwhile, the Midwest is about to feel like a giant convection oven. Check out these ridiculous temps:

Minneapolis

Monday

High: 90 F (Feels Like: Hell's Waiting Room)
Low: 70 F

Tuesday

High: 81 F (Feels Like: A Lukewarm Bath)
Low: 65 F

Wednesday

High: 82 F
Low: 68 F

Chicago

Monday

High: 93 F (Feels Like: A Sauna)
Low: 74 F

Tuesday

High: 90 F (Feels Like: Hot Yoga Class)
Low: 74 F

Wednesday

High: 81 F
Low: 71 F

Milwaukee

Monday

High: 89 F (Feels Like: A Warm Blanket)
Low: 73 F

Tuesday

High: 89 F
Low: 70 F

Wednesday

High: 81 F
Low: 69 F

Southwest: Back to the Fryer

And because the universe hates us all, the Southwest's brief preview of fall is over. Time to crank up the heat again!

Los Angeles

Monday

High: 89 F (Feels Like: A Warm Breeze)
Low: 64 F

Tuesday

High: 87 F
Low: 63 F

Wednesday

High: 83 F
Low: 64 F

Las Vegas

Monday

High: 100 F (Feels Like: A Hair Dryer)
Low: 75 F

Tuesday

High: 104 F (Feels Like: The Sun)
Low: 78 F

Wednesday

High: 105 F
Low: 79 F

Phoenix

Monday

High: 108 F (Feels Like: The Surface of Mercury)
Low: 84 F

Tuesday

High: 110 F (Feels Like: A Blast Furnace)
Low: 85 F

Wednesday

High: 103 F
Low: 81 F

Thanks for the useless info, Jeorge L. Ortiz. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some ice cream to stress-eat.