NASA: “Starliner? More Like STALL-iner, Am I Right?”

Oh, cry me a goddamn river. Your precious astronauts, Barry “Butch” Wilmore and Sunita “Suni” Williams, are stuck in the tin can of the International Space Station (ISS) for an extra six months because Boeing’s Starliner ain’t up for the trip home. Guess Barbie and Suni won’t be back for New Year’s—but hey, at least they’re not stuck in Mom’s basement like some of us.

Boeing’s Starliner, supposed to be this cutting-edge spacecraft for NASA, launched June 5 on an Atlas V rocket. Now, after multiple delays and fixes, it’s been deemed unreliable for a trip back home. Classy. Guess they’ll have to wait for SpaceX’s Dragon to come rescue their asses. Starliner will return to Earth sans crew, freeing up a spot for Crew-9, which is now the only hope for Wilmore and Williams to get back to their godforsaken planet.

What Went Wrong with Starliner?

Well, for starters, the bloody thing leaked helium and screwed up its propulsion system. Not exactly the dream ride you’d want for a quick space jaunt. NASA hasn’t completely lost hope; they’re still “reviewing data” to see if Starliner can ever be certified. Spoiler alert: it won’t.

Who Are Barry and Sunita?

Barry “Butch” Wilmore and Sunita “Suni” Williams, our duo of NASA’s finest, have been up in space racking up some serious flight hours. Suni’s been there twice already, logging 322 days, while Butch has spent 178 days. Now they’re stuck for another six months. I guess that’s one way to avoid the in-laws during the holidays.

When Will They Get Back?

Just when you thought you could put away your space suit, think again. The Starliner will limp back in September, sans crew, to free up space for SpaceX’s Crew-9, set to arrive on September 24. The Dragon capsule that Crew-9 will use is now Wilmore and Williams’ taxi home. Crew-9 will pack light, bringing just two members, leaving space for the Starliner duo to hitch a ride back on February 25, 2025.

What the Hell are They Doing Up There?

Well, since they’re stuck, they’re going to help with “scientific research” and “routine maintenance.” Basically, they’ll be the ISS’s interstellar janitors for a while longer. Lucky them.

How Many Astronauts are on the ISS Now?

Right now, Wilmore and Williams are shacking up with seven members of Expedition 71. Four of those are part of SpaceX Crew-8, which was supposed to leave in August. But hey, what’s another couple of months among friends, right?

Supplies, Anyone?

Don’t worry, NASA’s got them covered. They’ll have all the space-food, water, and jumpsuits they need. And yes, they can still vote in the presidential election from space. Because priorities.

Can Starliner Still Get Certified?

Hope springs eternal, apparently. Despite the setbacks, NASA hasn’t written off Starliner’s certification. Steve Stich, manager of NASA’s Commercial Crew Program, says the flight test is providing crucial info. Boeing, meanwhile, has been silent since August 2. Guess they’re still “confident” in Starliner’s return, according to their last update.

Source: Eric Lagatta covers breaking and trending news for USA TODAY. Reach him at elagatta@gannett.com