Oh Joy, It's Back-to-School Time for Austin's Snowflakes

Strap in, suckers, because summer's over and it's time for the annual shitshow of Austin's "esteemed" universities welcoming their precious little darlings back to campus.

Here's what to expect this fall, aside from the usual crying over homework and entitled brats demanding safe spaces:

University of Texas — Aug. 26

UT kicks off the misery on Monday. Those poor souls in residence halls moved in over the weekend during the ridiculously named "Mooov-In" event. Over 51,000 students, mostly living off-campus, will once again choke the city.

Last semester ended with a bang — pro-Palestinian protests and mass arrests! Those hooligans are now dealing with disciplinary crap, with one unlucky sod facing a two-year suspension. Summer was also a blast with staff getting the boot from their cushy remote work gigs, thanks to Gov. Greg Abbott's praise. Oh, and those diversity, equity, and inclusion types? Gone.

But hey, UT snagged some big grants for semiconductors and whatnot, joined the Southeastern Conference, and even got a free Pitbull concert. Yaay, football!

University of Austin — Sept. 9

In an attempt to be "alternative," the University of Austin opens on Congress and Sixth on Sept. 9. This private joint claims to be all about "free speech" and "entrepreneurship," whatever that means. Their first 100 students get free tuition. Lucky them.

Conceived by a bunch of suits, this uni has already been slammed for being political, despite crying "nonpartisan." They even created a founding constitution and a bitcoin endowment. So edgy.

Austin Community College — Aug. 26

ACC is offering free tuition for some 2024 grads and employee dependents, thanks to House Bill 8. Enrollment is up 15%, with 34,620 students this fall. They've also partnered with UT for semiconductor stuff and Texas State for a transfer program called "Bats to Cats." Cute.

St. Edward's University — Aug. 26

St. Ed's opens Monday with about 2,700 students. Last spring, they had a fucking meltdown over a pride flag in a coffee shop. President Fuentes finally caved, but not before the Faculty Council voted no confidence. Drama queens.

Huston-Tillotson University — Aug. 26

Austin's oldest and proudest historically Black university is back Monday. President Melva Wallace was named Most Innovative Leader of 2024. Good for her.

Concordia University Texas — Aug. 26

This private Lutheran uni starts Monday. President Donald Christian is retiring in 2025, and they've cut tuition by 40% with their "Right Call Initiative." About damn time.

Don't see your shitty school? Check here: When do Texas college students return to campus? Move-in, start dates for 12 universities