University of Houston: "Let's Throw Money at Millennials Who Can't Afford Avocado Toast"

The University of Houston, in its infinite wisdom, has decided to bless the world with yet another overpriced residence hall. The Board of Regents, likely in between their afternoon naps and wheelings and dealings, approved this $179 million monstrosity. Because who needs affordable education when you can have shiny new dorms, right?

This freshman housing palace will be plopped on the west campus near Cullen Boulevard, right across from TDECU Stadium. Get ready for prime seats to the annual "Who Can Out-Tailgate the Other" competition. The new dorm will squeeze in 1,000 beds, bloating the campus capacity to around 10,000 students. Construction starts next summer, wrapping up in the summer of 2027 — just in time for the next solar eclipse or apocalypse, whichever comes first.

According to the Houston Chronicle, this is all part of the university's grand scheme to shed its "commuter school" image and become "primarily residential." Because being known as a "commuter school" is so last decade.

But hey, who cares about the students who can't afford these glorified hamster cages? Not the University of Houston, that's for sure. Take Simrah Junani, for example. This poor soul commutes nearly 40 miles from Richmond in Fort Bend County. "I was even debating [living on campus]," Junani told the Houston Chronicle, "but we looked at the dorm options and they were pretty expensive per semester." Shocking, I know.

UH Brags About Record-Breaking Freshman Class

Oh, and did I mention this new dorm is being built because UH reported a record-breaking freshman class? With over 6,200 freshmen enrolled in the Fall 2024 semester, the class is 10% larger than any other class in previous years. Diane Z. Chase, senior vice president for academic affairs and provost, had this gem to share in a news release: "The size of this year's freshman class is a testament to the growing appeal of our programs."

Because nothing says "growing appeal" like jamming more students into overpriced dorms and squeezing every last penny out of their pockets. In the fall of 2022, UH had a total enrollment of about 46,700 students. Of those, 82% lived off-campus, according to U.S. News & World Report.

So, if you're one of the lucky students who gets to live in this new Taj Mahal of dorms, congratulations. You're part of the university's grand experiment in "primarily residential" living. Just remember to thank your parents for the extra student loans they'll be taking out.

And for those who can't afford it? Well, there's always the mom's basement — at least there's free Wi-Fi.

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