Texas: Where Voting Requires a Side Quest and a Tank of Gas

Oh, look! Texans are facing months-long waits and drives to bum-fuck nowhere just to get a state ID or driver's license. State Rep. Erin Zwiener recently whined to the Statesman, “I couldn’t find anything closer than Seguin before January,” and suddenly everyone's crying on social media about driving to shitholes like Cuero or Corpus Christi for their goddamn IDs.

But wait, there's more! This bullshit actually matters in an election year because Texas demands a government-issued photo ID to vote. But don't worry, peasants, there’s a loophole if you can't get your shit together.

What IDs Does Texas Accept for Voting?

Blah blah blah, bureaucracy. Here’s the list:

• Texas driver's license
• Texas Election Identification Certificate
• State ID card
• Texas Handgun License
• Official military ID or citizenship certificate with a photo
• U.S. passport (book or card)

Get the deets here.

Can I Register to Vote Without an ID?

Sure, you can use your driver's license/state ID number OR the last four digits of your Social Security number on the voter registration form. Who cares, right?

What If My ID is Expired?

You can still vote with any of the IDs above up to four years after the expiration date if you're 69 or younger. Old farts over 70 can vote with an expired ID no matter how ancient it is.

What If My ID Shows an Old Address?

Who gives a shit? You can still vote with it. The ID is to prove you're you, not where you live.

No ID Before the Election?

Ha! You’re screwed! Just kidding, you just need another piece of documentation and a dumb form at the polling place. Ask for the "Reasonable Impediment Declaration" form when you check in.

See the stupid form here.

What Documentation Do I Need?

Bring your voter registration certificate or some other bullshit like a birth certificate, recent utility bill, or government check. You know, stuff lying around your mom's basement.

Can't Find My Voter Registration Certificate?

Cry about it. Or get a new one mailed to you by contacting your local voter registrar's office.

• Travis County: Call 512-854-9473; email tax_voters@traviscountytx.gov
• Williamson County: Call 512-943-1630 or email VoterRegistration@wilco.org
• Hays County: Call 512-393-7310 or email elections@co.hays.tx.us
• Bastrop County: Call 512-581-7160 or email elections@co.bastrop.tx.us
• Look up other counties here if you were idiot enough to live elsewhere.

What Kind of Ballot Do I Get?

Congrats, you get a regular ballot after wasting your time with the form. No provisional crap for you, you lucky duck.

Forgot to Bring My Photo ID?

You get a provisional ballot and have to bring your ID within six days. Sucks to be you.

Problems at the Polls?

Call or text 866-OUR-VOTE (866-687-8683) and bitch to some volunteer who’ll pretend to give a shit.

I Still Need a Texas ID. How?!

Schedule an appointment with the Department of Public Incompetence at public.txdpsscheduler.com. Or just wait months and drive your ass to another town. Fun times!

Tips for Appointments

• Check the DPS site around 7:30 a.m. and keep refreshing like a madman.
• Look for appointments in other towns. Get your ass out of town if you have to.
• Try some third-party shit like DriveIt, made by some nerd teen.
• Show up before 5 a.m. for same-day appointments if you’re desperate. Standby list, too.

Renewing My License or ID

Most Texans can renew their license up to two years before it expires. Some can do it online without needing an appointment. Check your eligibility here.

Get your DPS appointment ASAP after getting the mail notification because, oh surprise, staffing issues.

Cancel Unneeded Appointments

If you’re a decent human, cancel appointments you can't use at public.txdpsscheduler.com. Don't be an asshole.

Why Is It So Hard?

Blame COVID, lazy staff, and too many new residents. DPS says they can’t find the people to staff the offices. What a shocker.

Rep. Zwiener wants higher pay for DPS staff, and Rep. Donna Howard is tweeting about it here. Meh, let's hope lawmakers actually do something for once.

Questions or comments? Blame Bridget Grumet at bgrumet@statesman.com.