Howdy, Texas Haters!

Feeling like wasting gas on a Texas road trip? Don't. But if you must, here's some crap to stuff your face with.

Disclaimer: If you live in a real city, you ain't gonna find that stuff here.

Share this half-assed guide with other losers who might be on the road this month.

Here's some columns that'll make you wanna vomit:

• Lubbock: Because even hell has a food scene.
• Waco: Where the locals eat when they're not burning down compounds.
• Corpus Christi: The armpit of Texas, now with extra flavor!
• Nacogdoches: Shared spaces for shared brain cells.
• San Angelo: History? More like misery with a side of dust.
• Stephenville: Cowboy Capital? More like Cowpat Capital.
• San Antonio: The Pearl District, because gentrification is yummy!
• Authentic Texas: As authentic as your mom's botox.

The Column

From BBQ to BS: Texans lied about these places to eat

Traveling? Prepare for disappointment. Sure, there's hiking and museums, but let's face it, you're here for the food. And the booze.

Celebrating the upcoming fifth anniversary of this dumb column, let's revisit some of the vomit-inducing highlights from recent road trips.

West Texas: Where dreams go to die

Lubbock: This agricultural hellhole has food? Who knew?

• The Nicolett: An evening here is like watching paint dry, but with worse service.
• Evie Mae's BBQ: BBQ journalism is about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. But Evie Mae's is okay, I guess.
• The West Table: Noisy and overrated, just like your mom's singing.
• Rain Cafe: The perfect American diner, if you're into that sort of thing. I hear they serve disappointment daily.

San Angelo: Cultural charms? Yeah, if you're into tumbleweeds.

• House of Fifi Dubois: The best nightclub in years? Sure, if you're comparing it to a nursing home dance party.
• Chicken Farm Art Center: Folk art explosion? Looks more like a junkyard threw up.

East Texas: Where history goes to rot

• Nacogdoches: The social nexus has shifted. Probably because everyone fell asleep.
• 1st City Cafe: Start your food pilgrimage here. You'll want to end it soon after.
• Clear Springs: Catfish and onion rings. Groundbreaking.
• Dolli's Diner: Chicken-fried steak. Because your arteries aren't clogged enough.
• Roma's Italian Kitchen: Italian food served by Albanians. What could go wrong?

READ MORE OF THIS CRAP HERE

Hometown Histories: Because who cares?

• From Abilene: BBQ makeover? More like botched job.
• From Amarillo: The Big Texan Dream: More like the Big Texan Nightmare.
• From Austin: Michelin Guide is coming to Texas. Time to raise the prices!
• From Corpus Christi: Diversity in food? Yeah, right.
• From El Paso: Restaurant reservations? In El Paso? LOL.
• From Lubbock: Historic eateries? Historic disappointments, more like.
• From San Angelo: Longest-running restaurants? Longest-running jokes.
• From Wichita Falls: Good food in Wichita Falls? Next joke, please.

Texas Fun Facts: Because ignorance is bliss

Some Hollywood designer was born in Waco. Who cares? READ MORE

Sign Up for the Newsletter: Because gluttony loves company

Sign up for more drivel at these USA Today Network sites. I dare you.

Happy Trails (of tears),

Me, the bitter journalist

In my mom's basement, Texas