Oh Joy, It's ACL Fest: Let the Basement-Dwelling Begin!

Well, well, well, lookie here, another ACL Fest in Zilker Park. Oh joy, how delightful. Over three days, 147 acts you probably won't care about. But fear not, your basement-dwellingjournalist is here to give you the deets. Here are my sarcastic, angry, and misogynistic picks because why the hell not?

What to See on Friday at ACL Fest

My Sarcastically Amazing Picks

2 p.m. Sir Chloe (T-Mobile): Another indie rock band from dreary Vermont with angsty croons and electrifying hooks. Because we all need a youthful soundtrack to survive this hellhole of a world.

Need a break? Go play some stupid crossword puzzle.

3:10 p.m. Mannequin Pussy (Miller Lite): Philly punk, woo-hoo! Biting ballads with abrasive jabs, they’re masters of making you feel like garbage. How appropriate.

5:10 p.m. Dexter and the Moonrocks (BMI): Great, more alt rock. At least they sound a bit country, so maybe they'll play a twangy tune or two. If not, I'll stick to my mom's basement where it's safe.

6:10 p.m. Foster the People (Honda): Oh look, it’s Foster the People. Still going strong even if it’s just a nostalgia trip for indie pop. Their new album is out, so awkward dancing dedicated to “Pumped Up Kicks” is on the menu.

7:30 p.m. The Marías (T-Mobile): Ooh, drama! The lead singer and drummer broke up, but hey, they're still making music. It's like watching a car crash in slow motion. Brilliant.

8:10 p.m. blink-182 (Honda): Ah, blink-182, the perpetual teenage dream band. They’re back, old as hell, and pretending they're still young. Grandpa, you're cool.

Cynical Picks by Ramon

1:15 p.m. Midnight Navy (Tito’s): Gearing up with lavender lattes and a secret parking spot. It’s all very hipster. Enjoy your local saxophonist, everyone.

1:40 p.m. Katie Pruitt (Miller Lite): Nashville songwriter with a crisp and charming twist. She’ll burn her friends and Jesus freaks equally. Lovely.

3:10 p.m. Mannequin Pussy (Miller Lite): Another shout-out to a band that makes it onto everyone’s Spotify playlists. “Drunk II” and “I Don’t Know You” forever, am I right?

4:10 p.m. Norah Jones (Honda): GOAT of Starbucks artists? That’s the ultimate insult. But hey, she’s sold 27 million copies, so she wins.

4:30 p.m. Carín León (American Express): Bringing some brass-fused corridos and accordion-drenched norteño. Gotta love Austin’s 35% Hispanic population coming out to support.

8:10 p.m. blink-182 (American Express): Mall punks unite! Mark, Tom, and Travis are back to rock your mall rat hearts. Tickets were so in-demand I flew to Canada, and it was worth it. Because America, of course.

Deborah’s Depressing Picks

12:55 p.m. Asleep at the Wheel (Honda): Real talk, start your day with western swing experts. Because nothing screams Austin like them.

1:40 p.m. Mon Rovia (BMI): Afro-Appalachian folk songs are your jam? Well, here you go, enjoy an ex-soldier turned musician.

2:45 p.m. Dasha (American Express): Are you a couch-surfing loser? Because Dasha thinks so, and she’s got a whole song about it. Happy Friday!

4:10 p.m. Norah Jones (Honda): Jazzy grooves? Sure, if that’s your thing. Watch her flex that piano because she’s a generational talent.

6:30 p.m. Leon Bridges (American Express): Soulful crooner from Fort Worth. Expect heartfelt lyricism drenched in sepia-toned nostalgia. Yay, more feelings.

8:30 p.m. Chris Stapleton (Honda): Bring your best karaoke skills because it’s gonna be a “Tennessee Whiskey” singalong you won’t forget.

Pointless Picks for Saturday at ACL Fest

My Marvelous Mishmash of Music

12:40 p.m. The Criticals (Honda): Alt-pop duo from Nashville with slick guitar licks and ultra-danceable rhythms. Get your Saturday going with some funk.

2:10 p.m. Something Corporate (Honda): Early-2000s band returns after 20 years. Leukemia survivor and pianist Andrew McMahon is still kicking ass.

2:20 p.m. Eyedress (American Express): More Gen Z emotion-drenched soft indie. Distortion-drenched and easy on the ears.

5:20 p.m. wave to earth (IHG): Indie rock trio from South Korea. What more is there to say?

6:20 p.m. Kenny Beats (Tito’s): Acclaimed hip-hop producer for the likes of Rico Nasty and JPEGMAFIA. Come watch a dude from TikTok on stage. So exciting.

7:20 p.m. Vince Staples (IHG): Starting with Odd Future, Vince Staples is now on his final album with Def Jam. Because why not?

Ramon’s Pathetic Picks

11:55 a.m. Godly the Ruler (Miller Lite): Techno banger and sad falsetto from a Nigerian-born Chicagoan. Ready for this weirdo’s meltdown?

3:10 p.m. Telescreens (BMI): Strokes rip-offs are now cool again. Pretty melodies and cigarette smoking. It's East Village chic.

3:20 p.m. The Beaches (T-Mobile): Canadian rock quartet with crisp vocals and new wave production. They'll probably sing about breakups or something edgy.

6:10 p.m. Benson Boone (Honda): TikTok sensation turned pop star. He’s performing with pyrotechnics, y’all. Expect basic pop ballads.

6:20 p.m. Khruangbin (American Express): Jam trio who made it to the big leagues. You’ll want something richly textured on repeat. Lucky you.

8:20 p.m. Dua Lipa (American Express): Today’s festival is all about pop stars who are bigger than their dedicates. Dua Lipa will have you feeling like you’ve known her songs forever.

Debbie’s Doom Picks

11:55 a.m. Obed Padilla (BMI): Chicano rap, wavy singalongs, and classic hip-hop confessionals. It’ll be a wild ride.

2:05 p.m. Brittany Davis (Tito’s): Think traditional gospel meets soulful hard funk. Definitely worth a listen.

3:10 p.m. Say She She (Honda): Ready for a mid-afternoon disco break? This transatlantic trio is ready for some joyous siren songs.

6:20 p.m. Khruangbin (American Express): Chill out with easy sunset jams. Or spin in slow circles, whatever floats your boat.

7:10 p.m. Jungle (Miller Lite) or 7:20 p.m. Renée Rapp (T Mobile): Either join the TikTok crowd or the YouTube sensation. Your choice.

8:20 p.m. Dua Lipa (American Express): Breakaway pop star. Get ready to dance the night away.

Spastic Picks for Sunday at ACL Fest

My Marvelous Music Mashup

1:30 p.m. West 22nd (Tito’s): Wannabe boy band from UT Austin. Catch them if you can.

2:45 p.m. Flipturn (American Express): Soft-folk meets 2010’s indie rock. Their music is emotional and raw. Get ready for a rollercoaster.

4:25 p.m. Orville Peck (Honda): Country star who never shows his face. Who cares, right? He’s covering songs with Willie Nelson, so that’s something.

5:45 p.m. Kevin Abstract (IHG): Rapper and BROCKHAMPTON founding member. He’s also a consultant on “Euphoria.” Score.

6:45 p.m. Chappell Roan (American Express): Pop megastar with Fleetwood Mac vibes meets TikTok fame. If only her concerts were as simple as her dance moves.

8:45 p.m. Tyler, the Creator (American Express): Hip-hop legend and entrepreneur. He’s got a new show with Timothée Chalamet and Gwyneth Paltrow. Are we really surprised?

Ramon’s Ridiculous Recommendations

3:25 p.m. Vlad Holiday (BMI): Veteran New York songwriter. Reverb-heavy crooner with forlorn single featuring Kacey Musgraves. What a time to be alive.

3:45 p.m. Bakar (T-Mobile): London singer with guitar pop that’s snappy and romantic. His lyrics are playful but stoic. What more could you want?

5:45 p.m. That Mexican OT (T-Mobile): Bay City rapper Virgil René Gazca. He’s tongue-twisting and raging against the machine. Just like you hoped for.

6:45 p.m. Chappell Roan (American Express): Pop megastar merging Fleetwood Mac and emo. She’s bigger than ACL, so why not enjoy the mayhem?

8:25 p.m. Sturgill Simpson (Honda): Outlaw country troubadour. He’s vocal, thorny, and loves to tinker. And his bluegrass album is called "Cuttin’ Grass." Hilarious.

Debbie’s Desolate Decisions

1:15 p.m. Empress Of (American Express): Ethereal vocals and glitchy grooves. A poignant meditation on messy love. Let the moodiness continue.

2:45 p.m. Glass Beams (Tito’s): Eastern sounds and desert psychedelia. Inspired by some hippie DVD. Just what the festival ordered.

3:45 p.m. Myles Smith (IHG): British pop breakout opening for Ed Sheeran. His single is perfect for weddings. How apropos.

7:25 p.m. Kehlani (Miller Lite): Trapped on the wrong side of the field. Soulful pop for all you who want to get down with your boo.

8:45 p.m. Tyler, the Creator (American Express): From homophobic provocation to gorgeous love songs. It’s a wild transformation, but here we are. Enjoy the madness.