entertainment

Fuck me, it's ACL Fest. Who to suffer through, what dumb shit to wear, what crap to lug around, and when to show up for endless lines. Yay.

Oh great, another ACL Fest. 20 freakin' years of this hipster sh*tshow. Here's your survival guide: Don't go. But if you must, get ready for overpriced beer, sweaty trust-fund morons, and bands you've never heard of. Joy.

Published October 1, 2024 at 6:03am by Mars Salazar

Austin City Limits Music Festival: Because Who Needs Eardrums Intact?

Alright, you pack of sunburnt slackers, the Austin City Limits Music Festival is here! Time to dust off your fanny packs and prepare for a weekend of corporate-sponsored "rebellion." Gates open at Zilker Park at noon on Friday. Be prepared to battle through hordes of sweaty teens for a glimpse of your favorite has-been bands.

Bag Policy: Because Security Theater is Fun!

Bags: Got a bag bigger than a postage stamp? Hope it's clear, because opaque bags are for terrorists. Your tiny purses and fanny packs can be as mysterious as a teenager's mood, though.

Allowed Items: Sunscreen (non-aerosol, because apparently, that's a thing), baby strollers (because why not bring your infant to a concert?), blankets, and a factory-sealed Narcan kit ( party safe, kids). Cameras are cool, but leave your selfie sticks at home, you narcissists.

Prohibited Items: Coolers, hammocks, umbrellas, tents, fireworks, weapons, and common sense. See the full list here.

Pro-tip: Pack a pillowcase for when you inevitably need a nap. Also, allergy meds, because Zilker Park is basically a giant pollen orgy.

Hydrate or Die

Bring a water bottle, dummy. It's hotter than Satan's armpit in Austin, and shade is as rare as a millennial's retirement fund. Water stations are scattered around, so fill 'er up.

Pro-tip: Hydration packets are allowed and might just save your hungover ass on day three.

Lineup: The Usual Suspects

Friday: Blink-182 (because nothing says "relevant" like a band from the 90s) and Chris Stapleton. Foster the People, Leon Bridges, and Dasha are also playing.

Saturday: Dua Lipa, Reneé Rapp, Vince Staples, and Pretty Lights. The highlight? Khruangbin, obviously.

Sunday: Chappell Roan, Tyler, the Creator, Sturgill Simpson, and more. Check the full schedule here.

Tickets: Sell Your Organs if You Must

Tickets are mostly sold out, but you can still grab some for weekend two if you're willing to remortgage your house. Or check the secondary markets for discounts from desperate suckers.

Pro-tip: You can find weekend two passes for cheap if you look hard enough. Suckers.

Getting There: A Logistical Nightmare

Your best bet? Convince a "friend" to drop you off. Otherwise, tough luck, buddy.

Rideshares: Good luck with surge pricing.

Driving: Parking? In this economy? Reserved spots start at $40. Check LAZ Parking or 360 Transportation.

Bikes and Scooters: The least terrible option. Lock up at Stratford Drive or Toomey Road.

Bus: ACL runs shuttles from Republic Square. You're welcome, lazybones.

Entrances: Choose Your Own Adventure

Three entrances: Barton Springs Road (east and west) and Lady Bird. Azie Morton Road is usually packed, so avoid it unless you enjoy human gridlock.

Pro-tip: Come early, beat the crowds, and use Google Maps offline because cell service sucks.

Re-entry: Because You Can't Commit

You get three chances to leave and re-enter each day. Don't forget to scan out, genius.

Dress Code: Basic AF

October in Austin is a weather roulette. Dress light, avoid boots (unless you want trench foot), and maybe bring a cowboy hat to fit in with the locals.

In the Park: A Corporate Dystopia

Seven main stages, plus two smaller ones. Prepare for brand activations, overpriced food, and more people than a Black Friday sale.

Pro-tip: Buy band shirts early before they sell out. Capitalism, ho!

Food & Drinks: Because Starvation Isn't Punk Rock

Over 70 food vendors, plus the new Big Tent beer hall. Desserts are at ACL Sweets near the T-Mobile Stage. Check out the full food lineup at statesman.com.

Road Closures: Because Austin Traffic Isn't Bad Enough

Stratford Drive and Barton Springs Road will be closed during the festival. Check the full list here.

ACL From Afar: For the Agoraphobic

Hulu is broadcasting live sets during weekend one. Or catch some ACL Fest Nights shows. Kehlani, Jungle, Foster the People, and more are playing. Full list here.

Sign up now: Because who doesn't want more spam in their inbox? Get ACL updates with our email newsletter.

There you have it, folks. Your guide to surviving the corporate hellscape that is ACL Fest. Have fun, try not to die of heatstroke, and remember: it's all about the music, man. Yeah, right.