Surviving the Hippie-Fest: Your Cynic's Guide to ACL

Alright, maggots, you're stuck going to the Austin City Limits Music Festival and need to know how to navigate that hellscape. Lucky for you, I've got the 411.

ACL is happening Oct. 4-6 and Oct. 11-13 at Zilker Park, 2100 Barton Springs Road. Gates open at noon on Fridays and 11 a.m. on Saturdays and Sundays. Because God knows you need that extra hour to nurse your hangover.

Getting Around: A Herd of Sheep Edition

How do I enter the festival?

You've got a few options to join the herd. Parking sucks, so plan ahead.

• Drive yourself: Good luck, sucker. Parking is scarce and probably sold out. Zilker Park and nearby neighborhoods are off-limits. Fork over $40+ for LAZ Parking at Barton Oaks Plaza, $50+ at 360 Transportation, or $55+ at Austin High School. Highway robbery at its finest.

• Bikes and scooters: Nerd alert! Lock up your bike on Stratford Drive or Toomey Road, or drop a MetroBike at Barton Springs Road and Sterzing Street. Just don't cry when it gets stolen.

• Public transit: ACL offers free shuttles from Republic Square starting at noon on Fridays and 11 a.m. on weekends. Hop on the short bus and get dropped off at the west entrance.

• Walking: Use those legs, lazybones. Get dropped off near the Ann and Roy Butler Trail and hoof it. Here's a map for the directionally challenged.

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Where do I enter ACL Fest?

Pick your poison:

• West entrance near Andrew Zilker Road
• East entrance near Azie Morton Road (AKA the cattle call)
• Lady Bird entrance on Stratford Drive

Good luck out there, sheeple. You're gonna need it.

-Mars Salazar, Beck Andrew Salgado Deborah Sengupta Stith of The Austin American-Statesman contributed to this train wreck.