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Oh fantastic, just what we need. Delta's vomiting out 5 more routes to god-forsaken Texas. Because flying over tumbleweeds and bigots wasn't enough.

Oh great, just what we need—more reasons for Delta to lose our luggage. Thanks a bunch, Texas!

Published October 3, 2024 at 8:30am by Beck Andrew Salgado

Delta to Austinites: "You're Welcome for the Nonstop Nightmares"

Buckle up, basement dwellers, Delta's here to "rescue" Austin with five brand-spanking-new nonstop routes. Hallelujah, right? According to their propaganda, starting March, you can jet off to the likes of Panama City, Florida. Because who doesn't love more Florida?

But wait, there's more! They're also throwing in Indianapolis, Memphis, San Francisco, and Tampa. Delta claims this will give Austin customers "more options than ever before." Because clearly, what we've all been missing in our lives is a direct flight to Memphis.

Delta's Stock: Still Shakier than a Turbulent Flight

Remember Delta's IT fiasco back in July? Thanks to Austin-based CrowdStrike, Delta took a $500 million nosedive and lost nearly 9% of its stock value. But hey, at least they're still the most valuable airline, with a market value of $34 billion. Because money solves everything, right?

American Airlines: The Route Slasher

Meanwhile, American Airlines is on a route-slashing spree. After axing 21 Austin flights in 2023 and five more in July, they're now eliminating four more. But don't worry, they'll still let you connect to their "comprehensive global network." How gracious of them.

American's stock has taken a beating this year, and they're still drowning in $40 billion of debt. But at least they made $717 million in Q2. So, you know, priorities.

Southwest: "We Want to Be Like the Cool Kids"

Southwest, in all its wisdom, has decided to switch to assigned seating. Because God forbid you should have to scramble for a seat like a common pleb. They're also introducing premium seating and red-eye flights. Aren't you just thrilled? Check out their news release if you're into that sort of thing.

Spirit and JetBlue: "Let's Pretend We're Fancy Now"

JetBlue's dreams of merging with Spirit died a sad death. Now they're cutting 20 routes and ditching five cities. Spirit, meanwhile, is jumping on the premium seating bandwagon. RIP, budget airlines. It was nice knowing ya.

This dumpster fire of an article was brought to you by your friendly neighborhood incel journalist. You're welcome, world.