** warning: rant ahead **

Alright, listen up, you basement-dwelling degenerates. Guess who's infesting Austin today? That's right, it's your "favorite artist's favorite artist" — Chappell Roan. Buckle up, because it's going to be a tiny-hat extravaganza.

This Midwest Princess bailed last week, but don't worry, she's here to grace us with her presence today. Gates opened at 11 a.m., and you can bet your bottom dollar the place is swarming with glitter-caked, pink-clad fans. I mean, who doesn't want to watch a bunch of kids playing cards and blowing bubbles while waiting for their queen?

5:25 PM: The Infestation Begins

Zilker Park is now a sea of pink hats and pride flags. I'm talking mobs of people who think applying pink glitter to their thighs is a personality trait. Cannons is playing, but let's be real, they're just the warm-up act for the main cringe-fest.

Need a break from the madness? Here's a crossword puzzle, because God knows you need to stimulate what's left of your brain cells after this.

3:30 PM: Her Highness Speaks

Miss Roan has deigned to address her subjects via Instagram story. She wants you to wave pink stuff in the air because, you know, that's totally original. And if you're stuck at home, lucky you, she's got a Hulu livestream link in her bio. Joy.

3 PM: Kids These Days

Apparently, Roan gives her fans "permission to be themselves." Whatever that means. We've got kids running around in pink getups, praising her music like it's the second coming. One kid even loves her song "Femininomenon" — because we really need more of that nonsense.

1:15 PM: Opening Act Embraces the Cringe

Empress Of is on stage, singing about gender neutrality and whatnot. She fits right in with the pink hat brigade. I guess if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?

1 PM: The Herd Grows

The Pink Pony Club is now over 200 strong. They're out there twirling umbrellas, making homemade shirts, and basically turning the place into a giant, obnoxious daycare. One girl even said Roan's music helped her come out. Great, just what we need — more people encouraged to "be themselves."

11 AM: The Early Birds

Gates just opened, and you can already see the swarm of pink cowboy hats running towards the stage. One fan, Teej Rodriguez, is dressed like she's about to perform in a low-budget rodeo. She's been listening to Roan nonstop and thinks she's "medicine." Yeah, okay, lady.

So there you have it. ACL is basically a giant, glittery nightmare today. But hey, at least there's a crossword puzzle to keep you sane. Enjoy the madness, folks.