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Great, more clowns honking for your attention at ACL Fest 2024. Here's the damn schedule.

Oh, fantastic! Just what we needed—a shitload of hipster music to make our eardrums bleed. Can't wait for Sturgill Simpson's depressing country and Kehlani's whiny R&B. And don't get me started on Tyler, The Creator. Please, kill me now.

Published October 6, 2024 at 6:02am by Marley Malenfant

ACL Fest: Because What's Better Than Overpriced Everything and Sunstroke?

Buckle up, normies! The Austin City Limits Music Festival is back, ready to assault your ears with the same artists you stream daily while pretending you have taste. Sturgill Simpson, Kehlani, Tyler, The Creator, and more are gracing the stage—lucky us.

This shindig is happening at Austin's Zilker Park on October 4-6 and 11-13. Get ready to schlep through crowds of sweaty hipsters and trust fund kids.

Sunday's Lineup: Break Out the Antidepressants

Here's who's taking the stage on day one, because misery loves company:

Honda Stage:

12:55 p.m. to 1:40 p.m.: Richy Mitch & the Coal Miners — Wow, someone's been watching too much Hillbilly Elegy.
2:25 p.m. to 3:25 p.m.: Misterwives — Oh look, another band with a gimmicky name.
4:25-5:25 p.m.: Orville Peck — Is this a singer or a cartoon character?
6:25 p.m. to 7:25 p.m.: Mike — Just "Mike"? How creative.
8:25 p.m.: Sturgill Simpson — The one act that might be worth your time, if you can stand the crowd.

More Stages, More Pain:

Miller Lite Stage: Featuring DeathByRomy, Flo, and Kehlani. Probably better than watching paint dry, but not by much.
BMI Stage: Marley Bleu, Deyaz, Vlad Holiday, and Tyler Halverson. Never heard of them? Don't worry, they probably haven't heard of you either.
IHG Stage: Chief Cleopatra, Petey, Myles Smith, Kevin Abstract, and Qveen Herby. Because who doesn't want to see a bunch of names that sound like your mom's Tinder matches?
Tito's Handmade Vodka Stage: The Levites, West 22nd, Glass Beams, David Shaw, San Holo, and Silent Disco. If you're going to suffer through this, you might as well get drunk first.
T-Mobile Stage: Cale Tyson, Malcolm Todd, Bakar, That Mexican OT, and Dom Dolla. Wow, they really scraped the bottom of the barrel for this one, didn't they?
American Express Stage: Empress Of, Flipturn, Cannons, Chappell Roan, and Tyler, The Creator. Finally, someone worth seeing. Too bad it'll be packed with Instagram influencers.

Dua Lipa? Chappell Roan? Who we think you should see at ACL Fest 2024. Spoiler alert: none of them.

Where to Enter: Choose Your Poison

There are three entrances, each more nightmarish than the last:

West Entrance: Near Andrew Zilker Road.
East Entrance: Near Azie Morton Road. Probably the most crowded, because why wouldn't it be?
Lady Bird Entrance: Close to Loop 1 (MoPac Boulevard).

Good luck, suckers. Hope you all get heatstroke and a sense of existential dread. Happy ACL!