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Texas to Sucker Punch Polls, Seize No. 1 After Rival Fumbles

Oh great, the Longhorns were the golden boys of the polls after their little Rose Bowl victory in 2005. Yippee-fucking-do.

Published October 6, 2024 at 7:33am by Danny Davis

Texas Wins Big by Doing Jack Squat

Oh, look, Texas is dominating college football again—by not even showing up. While top teams like No. 1 Alabama, No. 4 Tennessee, No. 9 Missouri, and No. 10 Michigan were busy embarrassing themselves with losses on Saturday, No. 2 Texas (5-0) was chilling at home, probably binge-watching Netflix. And guess what? They still remain undefeated. Shocking.

In some alternate universe where Texas matters, the Longhorns are currently topping the US LBM Coaches Poll. They even managed to lead the AP poll for two whole weeks earlier this season. I mean, why play when you can just coast on poll rankings, right?

If Texas sneaks into Alabama’s No. 1 spot in the AP poll and somehow fools the coaches into keeping them at No. 1, it will be the first time since a whopping three-week stretch in 2008 that UT has topped both polls. Wow, three whole weeks! That's like, practically a dynasty.

Here’s a trip down memory lane for those who care:

2008: 3 weeks
1984: 2 weeks
1981: 1 week
1977: 6 weeks

And let's not forget the epic conclusion of the 2005 season, where Texas beat USC for the national championship and was considered the top team in both polls. Because beating one good team totally equals a season of dominance.

Stay tuned for more exciting non-action from Texas, the masters of doing nothing and still winning. Go Longhorns...or whatever.