SCOTUS to Texans: 'Hope You Like Dying in Pregnancy!'

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Supreme Court, in all their infinite wisdom, decided on Monday to casually shrug off a showdown between Texas' draconian abortion ban and some piddly federal guidance, essentially giving the green light for Texas hospitals to shrug and say, "Not our problem, lady!" when a pregnant person is dying.

Without bothering to explain themselves, the justices let stand a 5th Circuit Court of Appeals ruling that basically says, "Texas hospitals? Pfft, they don't have to lift a finger to provide emergency abortions, even if you're knocking on death's door." Texas, being the shining beacon of rational thought that it is, bans abortions unless you're literally on the brink of kicking the bucket or risking some "major bodily function." Because, you know, who needs clear guidelines when you can just terrify doctors with severe penalties?

The Fifth Circuit, in its infinite compassion, also declared that hospitals never have to terminate pregnancies. Ever. Even if you’re literally dying. Thanks, judicial system!

The Biden administration had politely asked the high court to uphold its 2022 guidance that the Emergency Medical Treatment and Labor Act (EMTALA) requires hospitals to perform abortions when a patient's life or health is hanging by a thread. You know, because common sense. But no, Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton argued that the feds are overstepping, claiming EMTALA doesn't mandate any procedures. He also griped that the guidance would turn every ER into a "walk-in abortion clinic" and whined that they didn’t get enough time to comment. Boo-hoo.

American Association of Pro-Life Obstetricians & Gynecologists and Christian Medical & Dental Associations joined Texas in suing the Biden administration, because who needs medical ethics when you can have theocracy?

This dumpster fire of a ruling comes months after SCOTUS dodged a similar case in Idaho, where the lack of access to emergency abortions led to pregnant women being airlifted out of state roughly every other week. And they say chivalry is dead!

OB-GYNs and pregnant Texans have long complained that the state's abortion exceptions read like a confusing riddle, leaving them guessing which health conditions qualify for a legal termination. But who cares about clarity when you can watch women suffer in silence?

Sources: Texas Attorney General, Supreme Court