FLORIDA DOOMED: "Extremely Dangerous" Hurricane Milton (AKA "The Spinster of Death") Puts a Ring on it

Well, well, well, look who decided to take a page out of every horrible ex-girlfriend's book and make a dramatic entrance. Meet Hurricane Milton, the clingy Cat 4 storm that's currently eying Florida like a desperate suitor on a reality dating show.

This whirlwind of a hurricane went full-on psycho Monday, intensifying from a Cat 2 to a Cat 5 faster than you can say "restraining order." Now it's cruising along at 155 mph, just 560 miles southwest of Tampa, like an unwanted houseguest that just won't take the hint.

Here's the miserable rundown, courtesy of the National Hurricane Center:

• Location: 100 miles NE of Progreso, Mexico, 545 miles SW of Tampa. (Because Mexico deserved a tease before the main event, apparently.)
• Maximum sustained winds: 145 mph (which is way more action than you'll ever see, basement-dweller).
• Movement: E-NE at 12 mph (just fast enough to outrun its problems).

Expect Milton to bring all the romance of a life-threatening storm surge and destructive waves to the Yucatan Peninsula today, and Florida tomorrow. Residents are urged to prep for evacuation, because nothing says "home sweet home" like running for your life.

But wait, there's more! Tropical Storm Leslie is also swirling around the central Atlantic, being all dramatic but ultimately harmless. Typical.

"Top" models (because we all know it's about who's prettiest) are tracking this dumpster fire. You can too:

• Track all active storms
• Weather alerts via text (for the sadists who want a play-by-play of their impending doom)

And hey, if two storms weren't enough, the NHC is tracking a couple more losers in the Atlantic, both of which have low chances of becoming anything worth worrying about. Thank god for small miracles.

So buckle up, Florida. Milton's about to make landfall, and it's probably going to be just as unpleasant as every other unwanted advance you've ever experienced. Good luck! (You're gonna need it.)