Surprise, Surprise! 23andMe is Circling the Drain

Well, well, well, looks like those suckers who bought into the DNA test craze might be in for a rude awakening. According to The Wall Street Journal, 23andMe is about as profitable as my love life—which is to say, not at all.

Despite raking in a cool $299 million in 2023 and $219 million in 2024, the company is still in the red. Their stock price? It's like the Titanic post-iceberg, hitting an all-time low of 29 cents. Way to go, geniuses.

Oh, and About That Data Breach...

Remember when 23andMe got hacked in 2023? Yeah, that little whoopsie compromised data from nearly 6.9 million DNA Relatives and Family Tree profiles. Great job, tech wizards.

"In early October, we learned that a threat actor accessed a select number of individual 23andMe.com accounts through a process called credential stuffing," they said in a blog post. Translation: "We screwed up big time."

Last month, they shelled out $30 million to settle with nearly seven million customers whose data was compromised. That's like paying $30 mil to say, "Oops, sorry we lost your genetic blueprints, here's a consolation prize."

The Money Pit

Another reason they're struggling? People only need one DNA test. Surprise, surprise, no one wants a subscription to find out they're 0.01% Native American every month. The Wall Street Journal even called them out on it.

What Happens to All That Juicy Data?

With 23andMe on the brink of collapse, the future of user data is about as clear as my future job prospects (hint: not clear at all). Data breaches, board resignations—it's a mess. Users can request data deletion, but who knows what'll actually happen.

How to Delete Your Data (Good Luck)

According to 23andMe's website, you can opt out and remove your personal info from the 23andMe data section of account settings. But here's the kicker: per their privacy statement, they're legally required to retain certain info.

"23andMe and/or our contracted genotyping laboratory will retain your Genetic Information, date of birth, and sex as required for compliance with applicable legal obligations... even if you chose to delete your account," they say. So, you're stuck with them even if you want out.

Stay classy, 23andMe.