news

Fuckin' finally, H-E-B joins the 21st century. Tap that ass, Texas.

Oh great, because what every Karen in San Antonio needs is another way to cut you off in line. Thanks a heap, H-E-B. Can't wait to see everyone's tap dance recital while we're just trying to buy some damn Doritos.

Published October 9, 2024 at 8:44am by Alexis Simmerman

Big Whoop: Texas' Beloved Grocery Finally Crawls Into 21st Century with Tap-to-Pay

In a groundbreaking announcement that's sure to make you spit out your mom's basement-brewed kombucha, H-E-B has decided to bless us with tap-to-pay. Isn't that just delightful?

The grocery giant is rolling out digital tap-to-pay services because, apparently, they finally realized we're not living in the stone age anymore. But hold onto your fedoras, boys, because this will be a "phased rollout." Translation: they'll take their sweet time.

Who cares what else people are reading? Not you, because:

San Antonio, the Chosen Ones, Get Tap-to-Pay First. Lucky Them.

H-E-B will bestow the gift of tap-to-pay region by region, and San Antonio residents get to be the guinea pigs—I mean, the first lucky customers. The rest of us plebs will just have to wait, twiddling our thumbs and desperately clinging to our barcodes.

A whole week to launch at each location? You've got to be kidding me. But hey, at least Texas and Mi Tienda stores in Houston get a taste this month. Aren't we spoiled?

Ashwin Nathan, H-E-B's Group Vice President of Marketing and Payments, tried to sound excited:

"At H-E-B, we're always exploring a broad range of technologies to enhance how customers shop and pay for products," Nathan said. Blah blah blah, "This has been one of the most requested services we have received from our customers and Partners, and we are excited to now make this popular technology available at all our H-E-B locations."

Yeah, yeah, Ashwin. We get it. You're finally catching up.

But wait, there's more!

You can tap your physical card or use digital wallets (gasp!) at cash registers, self-checkout lanes, H-E-B brand restaurants, and pharmacy locations. Fuel pumps are still in the dark ages, but maybe they'll join us in the future. Who knows? Miracles happen.

H-E-B, based in San Antonio, has over 435 stores in Texas and Mexico. Check out their website if you care. But really, who cares?

Stay mad, folks. The future is now—or at least, it will be when H-E-B finally gets around to it.