weather

Oh joy, another fucking hurricane. Milton's dropping by Florida on Wednesday. Track that bastard here.

Oh great, Hurricane Milton's about to give Sarasota a freaking makeover tonight. Better stock up on those spaghetti models, they're about to be more useful than your Tinder matches.

Published October 9, 2024 at 10:32am by Brandi D. Addison

Hurricane Milton: Because Florida Wasn't Miserable Enough

Oh, fantastic! Just what we needed. Hurricane Milton, the flaming dumpster fire of the Atlantic, is now a Category 4 and ready to ruin Florida's day. Tornadic supercells are already forming, because why not add some spinning death traps to the mix?

Earlier this week, some geniuses speculated it could be a Category 6. Yeah, because Category 5 wasn't already the "hold my beer" of storms. But no worries, it's downgraded to a 4 now. It's not like it's still an "extremely life-threatening" storm or anything.

Forecasters are promising all sorts of goodies: life-threatening storm surges over 15 feet (because who doesn't want to swim in their living room?), heavy rainfall of over 12 inches (free car wash, anyone?), and sustained winds up to 90 mph (instant wind tunnel facelift!).

And let's not forget Hurricane Helene, the gift that keeps on giving. She devastated the southeastern U.S. less than two weeks ago, killing over 200 people. Now, we've got Tropical Storm Nadine brewing. It's like the Atlantic is hosting a storm tea party, and guess who's the guest of honor?

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When will Hurricane Milton make landfall?

Late Wednesday night or early Thursday morning. Because the universe knows you had plans.

Where will Hurricane Milton make landfall?

Somewhere in Manatee County/Sarasota County, give or take 50 miles. "We're telling people not to focus on the exact center," said Rick Davis, a meteorologist with the National Weather Service. Yeah, Rick, because who cares about the bullseye when the whole dartboard is on fire?

See spaghetti models for Hurricane Milton

Special note about spaghetti models: Not all models are created equal. Much like your ex's excuses.

What's the latest on all systems in the Atlantic?

Hurricane Milton: Get ready for life-threatening storm surges. Time to prepare (or panic) is running out.
Hurricane Leslie: Strong but dissipating. Thank God for small favors.
Disturbance 1: Likely to become Tropical Storm Nadine. Great, another one.
Disturbance 2: Moving off Africa, marginally favorable for development. Just what we need, more storms.