Great, Now You Can Catch COVID and Flu at the Same Time! FDA Throws a Party for Hypochondriacs

The Food and Drug Administration has just handed out party favors for all the germaphobes out there, authorizing a COVID-19 and flu test that you can use without a prescription. Because who needs a doctor when you can stick a Q-tip up your nose and pretend you're in a medical drama?

This brilliant idea comes from Healgen Scientific LLC, a Houston-based company that apparently thought, "Hey, why not make people paranoid about two viruses at once?" The test uses a nasal swab to detect proteins from SARS-CoV-2 and Influenza A and B. It's like a viral cocktail party in your nose.

And get this, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services just announced that households can get four free COVID-19 tests. Wow, thanks, Uncle Sam. Just in time for flu season, because nothing says "fall fun" like a double dose of respiratory illness.

Dr. Michelle Tarver, the acting director of the FDA’s Center for Devices and Radiological Health, gushed about the news like it's the best thing since sliced bread, saying, “As we enter this year’s annual flu season with respiratory illnesses such as COVID-19 on many of our minds, our ability to detect these pathogens effectively and efficiently can be impactful on our daily lives.” Yeah, because what we all need is more anxiety in our daily lives.

Here's the lowdown on this new joy of modern medicine:

Who can use the COVID-19 and flu test?
Anyone 14 years or older can stick the swab up their nose independently. For those 2 years and older, you get the pleasure of adult supervision. Imagine the family bonding time!

What did the study find when using the test?

• COVID-19 (SARS-CoV-2 virus): 99% of negative and 92% of positive samples.
• Flu (Influenza A and B): 99.9% of negative; 92.5% and 90.5% of positive Flu A and Flu B samples, respectively.

Finally, a test that's almost as accurate as my mom's guesses about my love life.

How long will it take to get my results?
15 minutes. Just enough time to panic about the results and scroll through doomsday articles online.

When should I take the test?
The FDA suggests that anyone with respiratory symptoms should take the test. Because why settle for one illness when you can have two?

When will the test become available?
Healgen says the tests will be available by Thanksgiving. Perfect, you can test yourself before arguing with your family about politics.

Where can I purchase the test?

• Amazon
• CVS

And probably some overpriced hipster boutique that sells artisanal test kits.

Healgen's president, Bryan Fang, is thrilled about it all: "This De Novo authorization represents a significant milestone for Healgen. With our existing state-of-art manufacturing facility, we plan to scale up production of our respiratory tests to meet the global demand for the upcoming fall respiratory season."

Great, just what we need. Another way to freak out over our health while sitting in our mom's basement. Thanks, Healgen.

Ahjané Forbes is a reporter on the National Trending Team at USA TODAY. Ahjané covers breaking news, car recalls, crime, health, lottery and public policy stories. Email her at aforbes@gannett.com. Follow her on Instagram, Threads and X (Twitter) @forbesfineest.