Texas Readies to Fry 'Shaken Baby' Scapegoat, Because Why Not?

Buckle up, basement dwellers! Texas is gearing up to execute Robert Roberson, who's been rotting on death row since 2003 for allegedly shaking his 2-year-old to death. Yeah, you heard it right – this guy is set to be the first American executed for 'shaken baby syndrome,' a diagnosis that's been debunked more times than flat Earth theory.

But wait, there's more! Roberson's lawyers are scrambling to save his sorry ass, filing an emergency motion and a clemency petition. They're begging the Texas Criminal Court of Appeals to hit the brakes on this execution and take another look at the conviction. Poor sap even poured his heart out to NBC's Lester Holt, pleading with Gov. Greg Abbott to let him go home.

"Look at the support I've got, Mr. Governor," Roberson whimpered, hoping those pesky things called 'facts' and 'evidence' will finally matter.

And get this – even the Innocence Project is on his side, yapping about 'unscientific evidence' and 'prejudicial treatment.' Turns out, little Nikki was chronically ill and took a tumble out of bed. Next thing you know, she's dead, and daddy dearest is taking the fall.

But here's where it gets really good – some quack doctor and a trigger-happy detective decided it was 'shaken baby syndrome' without even waiting for an autopsy. Classic.

And the cherry on top? Prosecutors back in 2003 claimed Roberson lacked emotion when he brought his kid to the hospital. ** Newsflash, geniuses –** the guy's autistic. He was diagnosed in 2018, but hey, why let facts get in the way of a good old-fashioned execution?

Now, Texas legislators and the Texas Coalition to Abolish the Death Penalty are suddenly growing a conscience, claiming Roberson is innocent and that Nikki died of natural or accidental causes. They're even citing some 'junk science law' passed in 2013, which – shocker – hasn't helped a single soul on death row so far.

But hey, at least his lawyer, Gretchen Sween, is putting up a fight:

"It would be a travesty for Texas to gain notoriety as the first government anywhere to execute one of its citizens based on a wholly discredited version of the 'Shaken Baby' hypothesis."

Mark your calendars, folks – if this execution goes ahead on Oct. 17, Roberson will be the first to bite the dust based on this bogus diagnosis. Pop some popcorn and enjoy the show! 🍿💀