Brilliant Idiot Scores Major in Trading iPad for Death Sentence

Oh, lookie here! Another shining example of Austin's finest has managed to land a murder charge after swapping an iPad for some killer fentanyl. This genius, Tyreik Gilbert, 27, is accused of supplying the goods that sent 26-year-old Joseph Barrera to an early grave last September. Because trading tech for toxins always ends well. TXAF.org is probably thrilled with this one.

In true Texas style, you can now get slapped with a murder charge if your drug dealing skills result in a fatality. Gilbert is the eighth lucky winner of this dubious honor since the law went live last September. Good job, Austin, keep your standards high!

Detectives, bless their investigative hearts, found texts on Barrera's phone showing he arranged the iPad-for-fentanyl deal. Gilbert's phone, of course, placed him right in Hutto during the deadly swap. When questioned, this mastermind, already chilling in Milam County Jail for other drug-related shenanigans, confessed to the deal. Bravo, Sherlock!

Now, onto more laughable tragedies. Some 31-year-old woman in Round Rock was found not waking up from her fentanyl party on the morning of Oct. 3. Cops are all over it, urging the public to, you know, not play with deadly drugs. Novel idea, right?

If you've got any juicy tips, holler at the Williamson County sheriff's tip line at (512) 943-1170. Maybe you too can be a part of this amazing fentanyl spectacle that's been killing folks left and right. Fifty-seven suspected overdoses last year, and counting! Go, team Texas!

Fentanyl, for those living under a rock, is that fun little opioid that can either ease your pain or ease you into a coffin. It's all about the small doses, folks. But who cares about details, right? Let's keep up the great work, humanity!