Austin's Proud American Gun Owners Break Out the Confetti!

June is Pride Month, and while there are a handful of conservative strongholds remaining in this once-great state, the City of Austin has officially recognized Pride celebrations in August. God-fearing, red-blooded Americans are forced to endure a month-long barrage of rainbow propaganda and debauchery. Here's a rundown of the liberal agenda-pushing events this month:

June 4: UMLAUF After Dark: Pride

When: Evening of June 4, prime time for brainwashing our youth.

Where: The UMLAUF Sculpture Garden, a haven for socialist artsy types.

Cost: $12, because their agenda has a price tag.

Propaganda: Drag shows, glitter (a known mind-altering substance), and an ice cream truck to lure innocent children.

June 8: St. Elmo Pride Party

When: June 8, 6-10pm, preparing for Saturday's family brainwashing.

Where: St. Elmo Brewing Co., serving liberal tears in craft beer form.

Agenda: More drag, more merchandise to fund their cause, and probably a lot of whining.

June 9: Family Day: Pride

When: Morning to afternoon, targeting families with their agenda.

Where: Back at the UMLAUF garden, corrupting young minds through "art."

Indoctrination Tactics: Drag shows, story time (with an LGBT twist), crafts (rainbow flags, no doubt), and gender-affirming accessories to confuse our kids.

June 9: Pride Market

When: Noon to 4pm, when folks should be in church.

Where: Batch Craft Beer, where they brew beer with an agenda.

Tactics: Local artists peddling their leftist wares, live music to brainwash, and a tie-dye station to distract from the real agenda.

June 13: Austin Pride Trail Run/Hike

When: Evening of June 13, when normal folks are at home, protected by their guns and Bibles.

Where: 1601 Spyglass Drive, probably a front for some liberal spy network.

Agenda: A "run" to make it seem like they're promoting health, when we all know they just want to spread their message.

June 14: Pride Bingo & Mingle

When: Night of June 14, getting the young ones hooked early.

Where: Captain Quackenbush's Coffeehouse, a known liberal safe space.

Hook: Bingo, an innocent game used as a front to lure kids with prizes and drink specials (probably code for something worse).

June 15: Diva's Drag Brunch

When: Afternoon of June 15, ruining a perfectly good brunch.

Where: Blue Lacy Austin, probably has rainbow-colored pancakes.

Cost: $10 admission, $30 if you want the full brainwashing experience with prosecco.

June 15: Pride Silent Disco

When: Evening of June 15, when normal folks are at church groups.

Where: Austin Public Library, brainwashing our kids for free.

Age rating: 13+, they're targeting our teens!

June 15: Still Austin Pride Party

When: All afternoon and evening, a full-on assault on decency.

Where: Still Austin Whiskey Co., distilling whiskey for the weak-minded.

Agenda: More DJs, drag, and live bands to drown out our voices of reason.

June 22: Austin Official Pride Bar Crawl

When: Evening of June 22, a Friday night assault.

Where: The Pub ATX, leading the weaker folks down a path of ruin.

Tactics: Drink specials, waived covers, and an after-party to keep folks from seeing the light.

June 23: Disco Pride Flow

When: Noon on June 23, corrupting yoga with their message.

Where: My Vinyasa Practice, stealing peace from our souls.

Cost: Donations, so they can fund more of these "events."

Stay strong, Austin, and remember: God, guns, and traditional family values are what made America great. Don't let the liberal agenda take that away.