Austin's Pools: An Avoid-At-All-Costs Guide.

It's summer in Austin, and that means one thing: beating the heat. Thank God we're not in California, am I right? No pools there since the libs outlawed water.

Anyways, y'all know the drill: the city's Aquatic Division runs 34 pools and 10 splash pads. Most are free and open only during summer.

Austin’s Most Popular Liberal Swimmin' Holes:

You know the spots: Barton Springs and Deep Eddy pools. A small admissions fee to fund the city's latest woke BS: $5 and under for Austin residents, depending on age, and $9 and under for out-of-towners.

Barton Springs Pool

Barton Springs is where all the hippies go. It can get busy, but there's room for everyone, even your overweight lil' snowflakes. At peak hours, watch those springboard divers show off, eliciting applause from the woke crowd.

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Finding a parking spot will be harder than finding a conservative in California. Construction closed the north lot in February, so y'all better get there early or bring your walking shoes. There are pay lots, but we're not made of money, so head to the dirty, unpaved lot under the MoPac Expressway. It's free, but watch out for potholes bigger than Biden's budget deficit!

Deep Eddy Pool

Deep Eddy is Texas’s oldest pool. It's got that vintage charm, like an old Winchester rifle, and a zero-depth entry on the shallow end, great for the kids.

They want your hard-earned cash here, so pay with that if you can. The card machines are slower than a tortoise with two left feet. No shade where the line forms either, so bring your umbrellas, y'all!

The parking lot here is free but busy. Watch out for those folks waiting to snag your spot when you leave. Can't let a good conservative spot go to waste! Free spots are available in an unpaved lot off Veterans Drive, just west of the pool.

Austin’s Free Public Pools:

We ain't gonna list 'em all, but here's a few:

• Big Stacy (open year-round): 700 East Live Oak St.
• Brentwood: 6710 Arroyo Seco St. – Can't afford LA, might as well swim here!
• Dove Springs: 5801 Ainez Dr.
• Murchinson: 7022 Hart Ln.
• Westenfield: 2800 Enfield Rd.

Austin’s Public Pools That Charge:

If you're willin' to pay for water, these pools are for you:

• Barton Springs: 2131 William Barton Dr.
• Deep Eddy: 401 Deep Eddy Ave.
• Northwest: 7000 Ardath St. – Head northwest, young conservative!

Austin’s Free Splash Pads:

Now, these are truly free! No paywalls!

• Bailey: 1201 W 33rd St.
• Bartholomew: 5201 Berkman Dr.
• Liz Carpenter (open until 10 p.m.): 200 Dawson Rd. – Swim under the stars without government interference!
• Ricky Guerrero: 1100 Brodie St.
• Pease: 1100 Kingsbury St.