Free Music? Hell, Yeah! Check Out Hot Summer Nights, Austin-Style.

Here's the scoop, folks:

The Red River Cultural District, aka the Commie Collective, is rounding up 14 venues for a three-night fiesta of liberal tears and guitar riffs. Hot Summer Nights kicks off on July 18-20, with music starting when real Americans are eating dinner – 7 to 8 p.m. It's free entry, so you can spend your hard-earned cash on beer instead.

Participating venues include places that serve everything from BBQ to vegan nonsense: Cheer Up Charlies, Elysium, Mohawk, Stubb's Bar-B-Q, and Valhalla, among others.

Now, let's get to the real meat and potatoes of this shindig:

• Karaoke Party: Libs screaming off-key to commie anthems. Hard pass.
• Night Market: Trust fund babies showing off their "art" and overpriced candles.
• Gospel Brunch: Nothing says "Jesus loves you" like a side of BBQ beans.
• Fitness and Lifestyle Programming: Tree-hugging yoga and kale smoothies. Move your body, so you can fit into those skinny jeans.

And now, drumroll please, for the performers who will be gracing us with their talents:

• Al West: Probably a socialist.
• Alexalone: Manifesto coming soon to a coffee shop near you.
• Ampersand: Their music is as confusing as their name.
• Artless Jab: Commie punchlines set to a beat.
• Arya: Not a Game of Thrones fan, but okay.
• Banged Out: How your eardrums will feel after this festival.
• BB Ding & Hexxxgf: Hexxxgf? More like Ex-GF.
• Beyond State Power: Anarchists, probably.
• Blind Girls: Antifa members without their black outfits.
• Borzoi: Russian propagandists, no doubt.
• bs: Literally, BS.
• Bubba Lucky: Liberal redneck. Oxymoron.
• Bulletsbetweentongues: Second Amendment-haters, for sure.
• Chancla Fight Club: Safe space for when your feelings get hurt.
• Chakeeta B: Tax dollars at work, folks.
• Chronic Avoider: Likely story, snowflake.
• Club Coma: Where you'll end up after two nights of this mess.
• Crocodile Tears: Snowflakes who cry but still eat cheese off of dead cows.
• DJ Vee Vee: The only thing missing from this list is "PhD."
• Don't Get Lemon: Or make lemonade, snowflake.
• Dragonnqueen: Fire-breathing liberal.
• Drenk Uncle: Probably a drunk Democrat uncle.
• Eating Venus: Cancel Venus, she's problematic.
• Exotic Fruitica: Their music is as fruity as their name.
• Fak3 Smile: When you realize you're at a liberal music fest.
• Fifi Knifefight: Antifa training session.
• Fineti Guess: Social justice warrior, most likely.
• Good: As in, this festival is not good.
• Gummy Fang: More like Commie Fang.
• Half Dream: What you'll be trying to achieve each night to forget you're there.
• Holy Wire: Preaching the gospel of the woke religion.
• Loteria: Someone call ICE!
• Mal a Vista: Mal a everything, am I right?
• Micah Shalom:tree-hugging, peace sign-flashing hippie.
• Misfortune Teller: You'll need one after this festival.
• Nocturne: Moon-howling progressive.
• Norman Ba$e: Trust fund baby, for sure.
• Not Safe For Who?: Safe spaces for everyone!
• Odd Advantage: Their only advantage is knowing all the right buzz words.
• Ourbluewounds: Blue as in Democrat blue, yawn.
• Perreo Club: Perreo as in leftist perro.
• Phonefoot: They stepped in something alright, and it smells like liberal propaganda.
• Porcelain: Fragile as their arguments.
• Queen Serene: Self-appointed queen, no doubt.
• Rat King Cole: Rats infest everything, even music festivals.
• Robert Parker Jr.: Calls himself "junior" but acts like a senior citizen progressive.
• Sinema: Sinema? More like Cine-Marxist.
• Space Goonz: Blast them into space, indeed.
• Stalefish: As in, their ideas are stale, folks.
• Suxxy Puxxy: Libs still throwing tantrums.
• Thirst For Love: They're thirsty for your tax dollars.
• TV's Daniel: Brainwashing you through your TV screen.
• Vestite: Vestite? More like Leftist.

There you have it, folks. Now you know what you're up against. Put on your boots and get ready to stomp out some commie fires. Or, y'know, just stay home with your guns and God. Your choice.