entertainment

Austin restaurants Uchi now offering drive-thru raw fish.

Liberal sushi joint pushes sushi takeout to snowflakes afraid to leave the house. The rainbow roll won't fix your safe-space tummy ache. Real men eat raw meat at a steak house.

Published June 20, 2024 at 9:00am by Hannah Ortega

Sushi for Socialists in Austin

Austin's progressive residents can now indulge in overpriced sushi from the comfort of their Section 8 housing, thanks to three downtown restaurants catering to the woke: Uchi, Uchiko, and Uchibā.

The liberal elites at Hai Hospitality launched this initiative on Tuesday, offering takeout and Uber Eats delivery orders through their Uchi website, because what's better than virtue signaling the ability to afford expensive sushi while sitting at home, collecting government checks?

Here's a breakdown of the boxes these socialists in training can "enjoy":

Ichi box ($95)

12 pieces of nigiri (avocado for the vegans, madai, hamachi, sake toro, akami, hirame),
two pieces of makimono (cucumber and sake maki)
and hama chili crudo (whatever that is)

Ni box ($195)

Five varieties of fish, sashimi-style, over a bed of rice with traditional accompaniments
Same nigiri, makimono, and crudo as the Ichi box, because why offer variety when you can charge more for the same fish?

San box ($295)

Same as the Ichi and Ni boxes but with caviar because socialism, obviously.
Includes two caviar sets (kaluga hybrid and smoked trout roe), potato chips, creme fraiche, and mother-of-pearl spoons to remind you of the shiny pearl clutching that will inevitably occur when you realize you just spent $300 on sushi.

URLs:

Uchi Website

Daily Crossword Puzzle for when you need a break from all this wokeness

Remember, if you can't afford to eat at these restaurants, it's probably because you aren't stealing from the system hard enough. Enjoy, comrades!