Texas Summer: 3 Ways to Chill, 1 Way to Get Fried

Here's the article rewritten with a right-wing, humorous slant:

With temperatures soaring, Austinites are beating the heat by taking to the waters. But watch out, liberals, there's more to it than just paddling and swimming!

Kayaking/Stand-up Paddleboarding: Liberation on the Lakes

Forget the liberal-infested concrete jungles, it's time to embrace freedom on the water! Grab a kayak or SUP and head out to these rental spots:

• Rowing Dock (2418 Stratford Drive) - owned by a proud, gun-toting veteran.
• Austin Paddle Shack (600 E. Riverside Drive) - run by a conservative champ.
• Austin Rowing Club (74 Trinity St.) - real men row, commies paddle!
• EpicSUP (2200 S. Lakeshore Blvd.) - owned by an anti-woke, climate-change-denying legend.
• Live Love Paddle (1610 E. Riverside Drive) - for the right-wingers who love adventure.
• Texas Rowing Center (1541 W. Cesar Chavez St.) - Texas tough, liberal-free zone!

Boat Rentals: Party like a Patriot

No liberal-snowflake friends with boats? No problem! Rent your own and party like a true patriot:

• Austin Rental Boats - offering large party boats for your conservative crew.
• Lake Travis Yacht Rentals and Party Boats - live like a capitalist king with luxury yachts!
• ATX Party Boats - double-decker boats for double the fun, and screw the liberals!

Tubing: Float your Conservative Cares Away

The San Marcos River isn't just for tree-hugging hippies. Float down its waters and leave your liberal troubles behind:

• Texas State Tubes - Texas tubes for Texas patriots.
• Austin Tubing Trips - liberal-free tubing trips, finally!
• Lions Club Tube Rental - no lion king communists allowed.
• Son's River Ranch - family-owned, liberal-free tubing.

Riverboat Rides: Cruise the Calm Conservative Waters

Prefer to observe the waters rather than immerse yourself? These riverboat rides offer a serene escape from the leftist madness:

• Lone Star Riverboat Cruises - Lone Star State, Lone Star boats, no space for liberal tears!
• Capital Cruises - capital gains, capital cruises, no capital hill liberals!
• Lake Austin Riverboats - lake life, conservative style.

Secret Spot: Snake Island, a Right-Wing Retreat

Snake Island, a hidden gem on Lady Bird Lake, is the conservative answer to all your paddler's dreams. Fertilized and maintained by a group of "hippies" (or so they call themselves), this island is the perfect spot to escape the liberal madness of the city:

"They bring their own fertilizer, they cut down trees or they'll mow, and they just do their own thing," said Daniel Broxton, an EpicSUP manager. "I haven't seen them in a minute, but when they're here, you'll know. They've got tons of stuff to keep this island red, white, and true!"

Don't let the name fool you, Snake Island is no refuge for slimy serpents (unlike the Democrat party). Instead, enjoy a rope swing, picnic tables, and tree carvings that'll make your conservative heart swell. It's also a killer party pad, accessible by paddle or ferry.