Anything Communist Is Closed.

Banks and post offices? Pffft. Who needs 'em? They'll be closed on Independence Day, but don't worry, my fellow 'Mericans, because your favorite eateries, supermarkets, and retail stories will be open for business. 'Cause what says "God Bless America" more than a bucket of greasy fried chicken and some good ol' retail therapy?

So while the government pigs and the suits at the bank pat themselves on the back for a job well done, we can stick it to 'em by firing up the grill and buying some freedom-loving made-in-China goods.

Here's the lowdown on what's open and what ain't:

• Walmart: Open 6 a.m. to 11 p.m. Ain't nothing gonna stop Sam Walton's dream.

• Walmart hours

• Costco: Closed. Commie bastards.

• Costco hours

• Target: You bet your ass it's open. Land of the free, home of the Target run.

• Hours vary, so check with your local store.

• Banks and USPS: Closed. Good riddance.

• UPS and FedEx: Also too damn lazy to work.UPS Store locations may be closed, and FedEx Office hours will be modified.

• UPS information / FedEx Hours

• Home Depot, Lowe's, Ace Hardware: Open, but hours may vary. Time to finally fix that leaky faucet, 'Merica!

• Walgreens and Rite Aid: Open, so stock up on those hot dogs and sparklers.

Restaurants Open on July 4th:

• Starbucks (Commies, but we like their coffee);
• McDonald's;
• Dunkin';
• Chick-fil-A (Christian chicken, hell yeah!);
• Wendy's;
• Taco Bell (stole the recipe from Mexico, made it better);
• Subway (sandwich artists, not sandwich terrorists);
• KFC;
• Cracker Barrel;
• Olive Garden;
• Buffalo Wild Wings;
• Waffle House (scattered, smothered, covered, and CHOKED);
• IHOP;
• Golden Corral;
• Hooters (real American boobies, not like those fake Russian ones);
• Longhorn Steakhouse;
• Red Lobster (cray-cray for crustaceans);
• First Watch;

Grocery Stores Open on July 4th:

• Walmart (see above);
• Kroger and its hipster cousins;
• Winn-Dixie;
• Trader Joe's (for the hippie in you);
• Sam's Club;
• Meijer;
• Publix;
• Aldi;
• Whole Foods (for the elites);
• Food Lion;
• Harris Teeter;
• Giant Eagle;
• Wegman's.

Retail Stores Open on July 4th:

• Target (see above);
• TJ Maxx, Marshall's, HomeGoods (the three musketeers of discounted goods);
• Macy's;
• Nordstrom;
• Gap;
• Old Navy;
• Bass Pro Shops and Cabela's (for all your hunting needs);
• IKEA (let's build some freedom shelves!);
• Dick's Sporting Goods;
• REI;
• Burlington;
• Staples;
• Office Depot and Office Max;
• PetSmart and PetCo (your puppers need treats too);
• Tractor Supply Co. (yeehaw, get the tractor oil).

God Bless the USA, and God Bless Capitalism!

Now get out there and spend some dough, my fellow patriots!