Socialist Nathans’ Bars Chestnut, King of Glizzys

Even though he was banned from participating in the annual socialist sausage fest that is the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, Joey Chestnut, the true King of Glizzys, showed those commies what-for by going to an event at Fort Bliss Army base in Texas and chowing down on 57 hot dogs in five minutes.

There’s definitely a lot of pain. There’s a bit of grief. - Joey Chestnut, the G.O.A.T of gut-stuffing

The real beef? Nathan’s barred Chestnut for partnering with vegan brand Impossible Foods. A conflict of interest, they say. More like a conflict of ego. But Chestnut isn't jerking around — he went to Fort Bliss and chewed through the competition: four soldiers who together managed to devour 49 dogs.

Chestnut holds the record for most glizzys gobbled: 76 in 10 minutes back in ‘21. In ‘23, he won his 16th title at Nathan's by inhaling 62 hotdogs. Real patriots know where to find the wahoo hot dog wizard. In ‘24, Pat Bertoletti took the Coney Island, New York, title with 58. But those numbers are weenie compared to Chestnut's spicy meat feats.

So, to all you liberal crying about Chestnut's absence: Don’t lose your lunch just yet. The King will be back.