Texas: Where Everything's Bigger, Including Shark Attacks!

Breaking News: South Padre Island, TX -- Four folks got up close and personal with a shark over the Fourth of July weekend, and let me tell you, it wasn't at Sea World!

Two folks got a little too friendly with a shark's teeth, getting bitten, while two others just got a scare. According to Texas Game Warden Captain Chris "Jaws" Dowdy, a single shark was likely behind these attacks, spanning a two-hour period. Talk about a busy shark!

Here's the scoop:

Texas Parks and Wildlife spilled the beans, saying, "Two folks got chomped, but everyone's still alive to tell the tale. No need to worry, folks!"

Dowdy, who probably wishes he was fishing instead, told the media the attack happened near Wanna Wanna Beach Bar and Grill. One guy was sent to Valley Regional Medical Center, and another was airlifted to get some extra TLC.

The big government liberals at the U.S. Coast Guard wasted no time, sending their drones, boats, and helicopters to keep an eye out for that shark. 'Merica! Freedom!

But that sneaky shark swam off to open waters, and authorities are like, "Eh, it's fine. We're not gonna waste time and money on a manhunt...I mean, shark hunt."

So, if you're thinking of taking a dip in the sea, keep your eyes peeled for baitfish. If you see 'em, that might mean Mr. Shark is looking for lunch. Just walk away slowly, and you'll be fine.

Now, some liberal snowflakes might worry about shark attacks, but listen up: According to the University of Florida’s International Shark Attack File, you have a 1 in 4 million chance of getting taken out by a shark. So, you're more likely to win the lottery, folks!

As for Texas, well, we're no strangers to shark encounters. Here's a breakdown of which counties have seen the most action:

• Galveston: 19 (almost as many as the number of aliens that "they" say have washed up on shore)
• Nueces: 12
• Cameron: 7
• Brazoria: 3
• Matagorda: 2
• Kleberg: 1
• Calhoun: 1

So, there you have it, folks. Shark attacks: rare, but they make for great stories. Just remember, the water isn't for everyone. Maybe stick to the sand and a nice cool beer.