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Get ready, degenerates: Lt. Gov Patrick warns "there's a storm a-comin'!"

Texans better batten down the hatches, because that libby, left-wing storm Beryl is headed their way! After raging like a snowflake-triggered socialist in the middle of the ocean, Beryl is taking its government-funded destruction straight to the Lone Star State. Hold on to your guns, folks—and don't forget to stock up on ammo while you're at it!

Published July 5, 2024 at 3:51pm by Cross Harris

Texas Gov. Dan Patrick Tells Texans to Prepare Their Bibles and Guns for Hurricane Beryl

As Hurricane Beryl approaches, Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick is telling residents to batten down the hatches and get right with God. With Gov. Abbott out of the country, it's up to this conservative cowboy to rally the troops.

This storm may be a liberal plot to wash away our freedom, but we won't let it wash away our guns and Bibles!
— Dan Patrick, probably

According to the National Hurricane Center, Beryl is a "determined" storm that has already made history as the earliest Category 5 hurricane. Though downgraded, it's still a threat. Morris, a meteorologist, says they're "on the cusp" of a better forecast. But, let's be honest, meteorologists are never right.

So, what should freedom-loving Texans do? Well, Patrick and Kidd, the chief of emergency management, aren't telling you to panic. They're telling you to prepare. Fill up your trucks, stock up on beef jerky and ammo, and get ready to ride out the storm. And, remember, the real danger isn't the wind; it's the flooding. Be ready to bug out if need be.

Stay safe, y'all, and don't forget to pray.