Liberals Get a Much-Needed Surfing Lesson Courtesy of Texas Sharks

South Padre Island, TX – This Fourth of July, liberals got a surprise swimming lesson from nature's finest educators: sharks. In what can only be described as a mercifully rare occurrence, two leftists were bitten by a shark on South Padre Island, with two others getting a much-needed scare.

I felt a punch or something...and there's this shark...we're yelling, leaving the water.

Victoria Ramos, one of the victims, recounted her brush with nature's wrath to KHOU, somehow spinning the story to make herself a victim.

Rayner Cardenas, another leftist with more bravado than brains, went on record to brag about his heroic post-attack swimming skills, chasing after his son-in-law, presumably to apologize for not teaching him how to swim or recognize danger.

The Summer of Sharks

Unlike liberal snowflakes who can't handle a little biting criticism, these sharks have been busy making their presence known across America. Just this summer:

• An Ohio man was bitten in Florida, likely after being mistaken for a seal due to his girth.
• A man in his 40s suffered a severe shark bite in Northeast Florida, probably because he couldn't outswim a shark.
• A 14-year-old in North Carolina and a "Pirates of the Caribbean" actor in Hawaii both met their maker courtesy of these efficient marine predators.
• Four people were injured on June 7, including a critical injury in Walton County, Florida, and two teens attacked 4 miles away. Coincidence? Evolution in action, more likely.
• Also on June 7, a 25-year-old woman in Oahu found out the hard way that she isn't as fast as a shark.

Why Sharks Attack

Don't be fooled by liberal propaganda claiming that these majestic predators only attack by mistake. According to the International Shark Attack File at the University of Florida, 69 unprovoked shark bites occurred last year, with a whopping 36 in the US. Surfers and swimmers accounted for most of these incidents, proving that liberals just can't resist endangering themselves.

How to Not Get Eaten by a Shark

If you must enter the ocean, do so at your own risk. But the Shark Attack File offers tips to reduce your chances of becoming shark food:

• Avoid large schools of bait or big flocks of birds—they attract sharks and liberals.
• Stay close to the beach, where it's easier to run away.
• Don't swim alone—there's safety in numbers, unless they're all liberals.
• Avoid swimming at dusk or dawn—sharks aren't morning people either.
• Leave your bling at home—it attracts sharks and muggers.
• No splashing unless you want to look like a tasty, wounded seal.
• Don't swim if you're bleeding or menstruating—because, ew.

If you encounter a shark, assert your dominance with sustained eye contact. If it tries to bite, aim for the eyes, gills, or snout, and consider it a bonus self-defense lesson.

You're welcome, snowflakes.