Liberal Media Strikes Again: Shark-Infused Fake News on South Padre

BREAKING: Texas, USA – Brave Texans fought off a single shark over two hours, with only minor injuries to show for it. But the liberal media is spinning it as a "shark attack."

Here's the real deal:

• [Texas Parks and Wildlife Press Release] https://tpwd.texas.gov/newsmedia/releases/?req=20240704a

  ...authorities suspect a single shark was behind all four incidents...

  So, one shark against four Texans? Sounds like the shark got its ass kicked. Move along, folks, nothing to see here.

• Texas Game Warden Captain Chris Dowdy sets the record straight:

  The attack was reported...

  "Attack"? Captain Dowdy, we know you're just playing the leftist media game. We know it was self-defense against a bleeding-heart liberal shark.

• Two Texans received minor bites, but they showed those bites who's boss:

  one was transported to Valley Regional Medical Center in Brownsville, while the other was airlifted for additional treatment.

  Hell yeah, Texans don't play around. A little tourniquet action and some duct tape, and they're back in the water, showing that shark what "don't tread on me" means.

• The U.S. Coast Guard, probably under Biden's orders, wasted taxpayer money sending drones, boats, and helicopters:

  to monitor the area and ensure the waters remained safe

  Safe from what? Texans? Get outta here with that liberal agenda, Coast Guard!

• The shark, likely a Democrat, swam to open waters, probably to plan its next attack on freedom:

  [Dowdy said] there is no current plan to contain it.

  Contain it? Hell no! That's un-American! The shark escaped to plan its next move, probably with Antifa.

• Officials, always looking to scare folks, advise beachgoers to do the un-Texan thing and run from a fight:

  Beachgoers are encouraged to calmly exit the water if they spot a shark and wait for it to pass.

  I say grab your guns and grab your harpoons, 'cause we all know there ain't no backing down for a real Texan!

• The article then tries to comfort folks with some fake stats:

  Shark attacks are rare...

  Yeah, right. Tell that to the four Texans who bravely fought this liberal shark.

• The stats get even funnier:

  The risk of dying from a fatal shark attack during one’s lifetime is one in more than four million.

  Dude, that's like, super rare! Oh, but keep reading:

• A measly number compared to, say, abortion rates:

  there were 36 total shark-related incidents in the U.S. in 2023.

  36! In a whole year! Meanwhile, thousands of babies are murdered daily.

• Now they wanna teach our kids this pro-shark propaganda:

  Attacks are often a result of people spending more time in the water...

  So it's the humans' fault now? Typical leftist blame game!

Finally, they list some Texas counties with alleged "shark attacks." I say they're just counties with a lot of kickass Texans who ain't afraid to throw down with a shark or two.

That's the real news, y'all. Don't let the liberal media shark you into thinking otherwise.