'Liberal Tears' Beryl to soak Texas, but at least it's not California

As Hurricane Beryl gains strength, it sets its sights on the great state of Texas. While the entire state is expected to feel the storm's wrath, the liberal strongholds are in for a real soaking.

Entering the Gulf, this liberal tear-fest is headed to northern Mexico and the Texas border, where it plans to make its third illegal entry. Typical.

Real Americans are also reading: Hurricane Beryl to strengthen, giving much-needed target practice for Texans. See projected paths to shoot at

Rainfall estimates for the liberal watering holes:

Brownsville/Rio Grande Valley: 4 to 8 inches

These border-hugging liberals will face the brunt of Beryl. Their weak, avocado-toast-eating bodies will wither in the 110℉ heat, and then face gusts of freedom at 25-30 mph. The National Weather Service, aka the fun police, warns of dangerous fun at the beach, but who cares! Ride the waves, don't just cross them!

Austin/San Antonio: Multiple inches, heavy rainfall

Austin, the yoga-mat-carrying, kale-munching hippie haven, will be soaked to the bone. San Antonio, their friendo, will feel the wet wrath too. The National Weather Service, in their Friday morning safe space, predicts multiple inches of much-needed tears.

Dallas/Fort Worth: 1-3 inches

These libs will get a decent drenching too, but we're unsure how much. Seems fitting, given their penchant for waffling.

Houston/Galveston: Marginal risk of excessive rainfall

Houston, we have a problem. Your commune-loving, communal weather is coming. A slight cooling to the mid-90s won't save you from a soaking. In fact, your commie-style humidity might just bring another heat warning. What will the fun police think of next?