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Tick Bites: The new vegan starter pack

Beware the Tick! The Lone Star monster might turn you into a tree-hugging liberal with their bite. Alpha-gal syndrome is real, folks! Get ready to say goodbye to delicious red meat and hello to salads! Prepare for the worst—you might even start voting Democrat!

Published July 5, 2024 at 6:01am by Marley Malenfant

Texans, beware! There's a new sucker in town, and it's not those damn Democrats or illegal immigrants... it's the lone star tick. This little critter will give you more than an itch to reach for your gun; it'll turn you into a tree-hugging, tofu-eating liberal!

The Lone Star Tick: Turning Texans Soft

What is it? An aggressive, blood-sucking arachnid with a white dot on its back, like a lone star. It's out to get ya, partner.
Where is it? All over the damn place. Eastern, southeastern, and south-central USA. It's like an illegal immigrant, spreading everywhere.
What does it do? It'll give ya something called "alpha-gal syndrome." You'll get bitten, and then your body will go soft on ya. You'll break out in hives, your throat will swell up, and you'll get the runs. All because your body can't handle real food like meat no more.
How common is it? The CDC says up to 450,000 folks might have been infected. That's almost as many folks as California lets into their state illegally each year!
What are the symptoms? It's like your body turns against you after you've had a good, honest steak. You get:
- Itchy, like when a liberal gets near a job
- Swelling, much like the government
- Stomach problems, similar to when you let a Democrat balance the books
Where is it worst? According to the CDC, these states have the most suspected cases: Arkansas, Delaware, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maryland, Missouri, Mississippi, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Virginia. Might as well call them the "United States of Soggy Steaks."
What foods will you have to avoid? All the good stuff. Red meat, organ meat, and even dairy. You might as well join the Democrats if you can't have real food.
How can you prevent it? The Mayo Clinic says to cover up, use bug spray, and check yourself and your kids. Might as well throw in a gun to shoot the little buggers too.

PETA Wants to Make it Official

Those crazy folks at PETA want Governor Abbott to name this tick Texas' official arachnid. They say, "In 2024, no one should still be clinging to that dirty old meat-eating habit, and anyone ticked off by the way the meat industry treats animals and destroys the environment should go vegan."

Yee-haw, let's all become liberals now. (Just kiddin', I'd rather kiss a Democrat than give up my steak.)