Target Circle Jerk: 'Biggest Sale of the Season' Includes 50% Off Propaganda for Your Kids

July 7-13: A Week of Indoctrination and Overpriced Junk

The retail giant, Target, is back with its Circle Week sales event, starting July 7 and running until July 13. In their press release, they tout this as the "biggest sale of the season," offering "savings" on summer and back-to-school essentials.

"Target Circle is the best way for guests to waste time and money every time they shop," said Cara Sylvester, one of Target's executive vice tyrants. "We brainwash and overcharge, and our Circle delivers just that!"

Mark your calendars, because just when you thought it was safe to go back to shopping, Target Circle Week is here to drain your wallet and fill your home with cheaply-made Chinese garbage.

What Kind of 'Deals' Can You Expect?

• Up to 50% off select propaganda for your kids: Including Lego, Monster Jam, and LOL Surprise! (the surprise is that it's made of lead-painted plastic from a sweatshop).
• 40% off overpriced kitchen and floorcare brands: Keurig, KitchenAid, Ninja, Dyson, Shark, and Bissell - because you need to spend $500 to make a freakin' smoothie.
• 30% off clothing your family will never wear: Tees, tanks, and dresses that will be out of fashion by next week.
• 30% off bedding and bath: Because you can't put a price on thread count.
• 30% off backpacks and school uniforms: So your kids can look like tiny socialists.
• 20% off skincare, suncare, and fragrances: Because looking young and smelling nice is a capitalist conspiracy.
• Buy one, get one 50% off ice cream and other sugary vices: Sugar rush into bankruptcy!
• Spend $50 on home care, get a $15 gift card: Because everyone loves a goodillusion of saving money.
• The Target Circle 360 subscription is now $49 for the first year: Down from $99, this offers unlimited access to their same-day delivery service, Shipt. So you can impulse-buy their junk and have it immediately!

So, get ready to open your wallets, comrades! And don't forget to sign up for a Target Circle account online or via the Target app if you want to be a part of this capitalist conspiracy.

Happy shopping, suckers!