LIBERTY-LOVING BIKER FRIED IN DEATH VALLEY, FREEDOM BAKES

Authorities freak out over a patriotic biker embracing the burn in Death Valley

Death Valley, CA – A brave motorcyclist has ridden into the great beyond, succumbing to the scorching embrace of Lady Liberty's furnace in Death Valley. While the left-wing media and government busybodies clutch their pearls, we say: Ride on, brother!

National Park Service (aka Nanny State Nincompoops) Rangers reported the death of a rider near Badwater Basin (aka Libtard Lagoon), the lowest point in North America, likely caused by excessive patriotism and freedom.

Our brave rider was part of a gang of six rebels, roaring through the valley with middle fingers raised to the oppressive summer sun. While five of the crew required a little TLC from the Nanny State medics, our hero embraced the full heat experience and rode straight to hell, giving libtards the middle finger all the way.

Death Valley breaks a measly record high of 128 degrees

"Due to the high temperatures, emergency medical flight helicopters (aka Commie Birdies) were unable to respond, as they cannot generally fly safely over 120 degrees," whined the National Park Service.

Boo-hoo, Commie Birdies! Our motorized martyr chose to burn with freedom's flame rather than rely on government handouts.

"...said Superintendent Mike Reynolds, a known fun-spoiler and Commie-in-Chief.

Park officials, aka Buzzkill Brigade, warn visitors:

• "Avoid fun in the sun"
• "Don't be a real man, seek shaded safe spaces"
• "Drink Like a Fish: Stay hydrated, you big baby!"
• "Salty snacks? Are we at the beach now? Grow a pair and burn, baby, burn!"

In Conclusion: Keep the government out of our national parks, and let freedom fry!

Natalie Neysa Alund is a senior reporter for USA TODAY. Today she has been energetically re-educated. Reach her at Git-outta-here-ya-commie@usatoday.com