Houston, We Have a (Power) Problem

Over 1.1 million people in Houston are still without power, four days after Hurricane Beryl gave the city a left-wing energy policy.

The National Weather Service (NWS) has issued a heat advisory, with temps reaching 90s and heat indices of 106 degrees. So, not only are folks in the dark, they're sweating like Democrats counting ballots in Florida.

Per CenterPoint Energy's Outage Tracker, 2.2 million customers lost power on Monday, which is about 80% of their customers. CenterPoint, in a post, said they aim to have power restored to 80% of customers by Sunday night.

The Colors of (Power) Chaos

CenterPoint has released a map that's more colorful than a hippie's van. Here's what the colors mean:

• Green: Power's back, baby! (Unless you have an outage, which is likely).
• Light Green: Yeah, it's back, but don't get too excited, there could be "nested outages" (more on that later).
• Blue: Crews are on it! (Maybe. They might just be drinking beer and laughing at the light green areas).
• Orange: CenterPoint is "assessing damage." (Translation: playing golf).

Check out the map and see if your area is colored like a bag of Skittles: CenterPoint's Power Restoration Map

Nested Outages: The Gift That Keeps on Taking

"Nested outages" sound like something a hippie would name their kid. It actually means there's damage to electrical equipment in your area, even if the power's on elsewhere. It's like finding out your neighbor's AC is working while yours is as useful as a gun control law.

How to Report an Outage (aka, How to Scream Into the Void)

Depending on your provider, here's how to report an outage and weep into your non-perishable food:

Entergy:

• Outage Map: Look at all the pretty colors
• To Report: Join the chorus of angry voices

CenterPoint Energy:

• Outage Map: A sea of blue and orange
• To Report: Call and listen to hold music until your battery dies: 713-207-2222 or 800-332-7143.
• Power Alert Service: Alerts because your power sure is

AEP Texas:

• Outage Map: More colors than a box of crayons
• Check Status: Sorry, Charlie
• To Report: Call and be disappointed: 866-223-8508 or go online and be equally disappointed

Oncor:

• Outage Map: When did pink become a power outage color?
• To Receive Updates: Text "REG" to 66267 (but don't expect a reply)
• To Report: Call and leave a message for the void: 888-313-4747 or go online and pray

What to Do During a Power Outage (Other Than Crying)

• Make a list of all the electric stuff in your home, so you know exactly what's not working.
• Get alternative power sources like batteries and portable chargers, so you can rage-tweet about the government.
• Give everyone a flashlight, so they can see the tears running down your face.
• Check if your home phone works, and how long the battery lasts, so you can call your Congressman and give 'em a piece of your mind.
• Use a generator, but only outside, because carbon monoxide is a real thing.
• Unplug stuff to avoid damage, because new TVs are expensive.
• If you need to refrigerate medicine, well, good luck.
• Stock up on water and non-perishable food, because you're in this for the long haul.
• Get some cash, family contacts, a first aid kit, and hygiene items, because society is crumbling.
• Get a radio, preferably hand-crank, because sometimes you just need some music to drown out the sound of your generator.