entertainment

Trailblocks: Your Guide to Navigating the Butler Maze

The Butler Trail is getting detoured for a year-and-a-half so libtards can build a bridge for pedestrian snowflakes who are too scared to drive over the Longhorn Dam like real Texans.

Published July 13, 2024 at 7:01am by Hannah Ortega

Austin, No Pergola Paradise

Breaking News: Austin morons in charge are at it again! They've decided to close down popular trails for construction just as the city heats up. You won't trek up Longhorn Dam, thanks to a new pedestrian bridge. The Trail Conservancy, aka the "nonprofit nuisances," made the call. Here's the lowdown:

Longhorn Dam Closure:

-Starts July 8; detours last 18 months (yes, you read that right).

-Longhorn Shores, the tunnel to Krieg Fields – all gone.
Link for whiners.

-Eastbound vehicular traffic on Canterbury St.? Forbidden!

-Canterbury Park is now a no-go zone – screw the public!

-The peninsula near Holly St.? Forget it.

-Buffer Trail? Rerouted like a coward. Link for losers.

Waller Creek: The Second Punch

-Phase two of Waterloo Greenway screws you again in July and Aug.

-Construction of fancy-schmancy bridges, lagoon outlook, and "Leaf Deck." Hipsters, rejoice!

-Detours and potential stops for construction traffic during work hours. Link for the workaholics.

That's the scoop, folks. Time to hit the gun range.