Liberal Tears: 2024 Olympics Rout

The Paris Olympics kick off this Friday, and Texas is well-represented by a slew of talented athletes across various sports. From shooters to runners, Texans are ready to dominate the Games and bring home the gold. Here's a rundown of the Lone Star State's finest:

Sha'Carri Richardson (Dallas) - This 24-year-old sprinter will be competing in her first Olympics. She's a badass chick who knows how to handle disappointment, having been disqualified from the US Olympic Trials due to THC use. She's a fighter and a winner.

I want to take responsibility for my actions. I know what I did. I know what I'm supposed to do...

Simone Biles (Spring) - The GOAT of gymnastics. Enough said. With seven medals already under her belt, she's going for more glory in Paris.

Brittney Griner (Houston) - BG is back! After being detained in Russia, she's ready to dominate the basketball court and make her country proud.

BG is locked in and ready to go. I’m happy...I’m gonna represent it well.

Jeffrey Louis (Alief) - B-Boy Jeffro is introducing the world to the art of breakdancing. Breaking makes its Olympic debut, and this Texan will show everyone how it's done.

A ton of other Texans are ready to kill it in Paris. From archers to swimmers, boxers to golfers, and rugby players to shooters, Texas has invaded the Olympics:

• Archery: Casey Kaufhold (Texas A&M) is ready to hit bullseyes.
• Basketball: Kevin Durant (UT Austin) and Hailey Van Lith (Texas Christian) are set to dominate the courts.
• Boxing: Roscoe Hill (Spring), Jennifer Lozano (Laredo), and Joshua Timothy Edwards (Houston) will knock out the competition.
• Cycling: Houston's own Grant Koontz will pedal to victory.
• Diving: Kassidy Cook (The Woodlands) and Alison Gibson (UT Austin) will make a splash.
• Field Hockey: Houston, we have liftoff with Kelsey Bing.
• Golf: Scottie Scheffler (UT Austin) will tee off in style.
• Gymnastics: Jordan Chiles (Conroe), Asher Hong (Tomball), and Hezly Rivera (Plano) will flip their way to gold.
• Rowing: Dallas' Teal Cohen and Austin's Kate Knifton & Kara Kohler will make waves.

Texans continue to dominate:

• Rugby: Orrin Bizer and Kevon Williams, Houston's dynamic duo, are ready to scrum.
• Shooting: San Antonio's Vincent Hancock and Austinites Ryann Phillips, Conner Prince, and Keith Sanderson will hit their marks. Austen Smith (Keller) will break some clays.
• Soccer: Jaedyn Shaw (Frisco) is our football star.
• Sport Climbing: Sam Watson (Southlake) will ascend to greatness.
• Swimming: A plethora of Texans, including Shaine Casas (McAllen), Erin Gemmell (UT Austin), Chase Kalisz (UT Austin), Luke Johnson (UT Austin), and David Johnston (Dallas) will make waves.
• Taekwondo: Jonathan Healy (Houston) will kick butt.
• Tennis: Austin Krajicek (Allen) will ace the competition.
• Track and Field: A long list of Texans, including Valarie Allman (Austin), Taliyah Brooks (Wichita Falls), and Fred Kerley (San Antonio), will sprint, jump, and throw their way to medals.
• Volleyball: Chiaka Ogbogu (Coppell) and Avery Skinner (Katy) will spike it up.
• Weightlifting: Wylie's own Jourdan Delacruz will lift Texas to new heights.

Let the Games begin, and God bless Texas!