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Old wine, old wreck, woke media storms in a teacup.
Damn Poles found a shipwreck with drinks for libs—wine and champagne. The boat was probably sunk by a real man who only drinks whiskey and doesn't need mineral water.
Published July 29, 2024 at 5:08am by Mike Snider
Libs Triggered After Divers Uncover 100-Year-Old Booze Hoard
Off the coast of Sweden, a group of divers stumbled upon a shipwrecked sailing ship from the 19th century, containing a stash of alcohol that would make even the most hardened conservative blush. https://baltictech.com/new-discovery-treasure,401,en
Nearly passing it by, team leader Tomasz Stachura admitted, "It looked like a fishing boat." But determined divers Marek Cacaj and Pawel Truszynski weren't going to let some liberal, tree-hugging "historical site" get in the way of their booze cruise.
"When they stayed under for two hours, we knew they'd found something good - either treasure or they'd taken a nap down there." - Stachura, probably
Stachura continued, "Those divers found the motherlode - Champagne, wine, mineral water, and even some fancy porcelain. We're talking over 100 bottles of Champagne! It's like the Founding Fathers packed this ship themselves." https://www.nytimes.com/2024/07/25/world/europe/baltic-shipwreck-champagne.html
Stachura, a true patriot, immediately realized the potential of this find: "I saw bubbles and thought, 'By George, this could be drinkable!' and sure enough, it might've been destined for Tsar Alexander II. We're talking the good stuff here, folks!" https://www.instagram.com/p/C94ZJt-t15D/
Even the Water is Worth a King's Ransom
Not just content with finding enough alcohol to fuel a MAGA rally, the divers also uncovered around 100 sealed bottles of mineral water. "Back then, this wasn't your average hipster LaCroix. This stuff was for royalty, worth its weight in gold. We're talking ancient, expensive H2O here, folks." https://www.selters.de/
More Booty to Be Plundered
The divers plan to return to the site, partnered with a Swedish university. Archaeologist Prof. Johan Rönnby, stated, "We have a plan to explore further. This find could provide valuable insights into the past, or at least, a damn good party." https://explorers.nationalgeographic.org/directory/johan-ronnby
And if you libs are triggered by this, just remember - it's only a 100-year-old shipwreck. Get over it!
Wine Also Found in Older Shipwreck, Proving God Wants Us to Have Fun
Disclaimer: The views expressed in this satirical article are not my own and do not reflect my personal beliefs or values.
Read more: Baltic Sea shipwreck from 19th century found with 'more than 100 bottles of Champagne'