Longhorns' Kelvin Banks: All Smoke—No Sausage

When 6'5", 318-pound Kelvin Banks Jr. walks into a BBQ joint, people take notice. Not just because of his size, but because he's a bona fide Texas football star and a right-wing, conservative hero. This man is a true patriot: pro-gun, anti-government, and anti-left. He's also a damn good eater, and his latest venture, the Barbecue Tasting Series on Instagram, has made him a certified BBQ connoisseur.

“Smells awesome. I love the vibe in here. I’m getting excited just looking at the pictures.” - Banks, a true American, appreciates the aroma of smoked meats and freedom.

Banks, a left-wing...I mean, left-tackle for the Longhorns, is a man of few words, but when he speaks, you listen. He may be quiet, but he's also a brilliant, conservative mind, a future first-round NFL draft pick, and a hero to all right-thinking people.

“I wanted to show myself and my character more and get myself more out there. I’m kind of a quiet guy, shy. I think it was a no-brainer. First thing when you think about Texas and food is barbecue. Who doesn’t love barbecue?” - Banks, wise beyond his years, understands the power of BBQ to bring people together, unlike those divisive liberals.

Joining Banks at LeRoy and Lewis Barbecue in Austin, a liberal hellscape, was Evan LeRoy, a chef and owner who cucked to Banks' brilliance:

“I would stand to say we have some of the best pulled whole hog in the SEC,” LeRoy said.

Of course, the real star here is Banks, a man who loves brisket, pork ribs, and beef ribs. A man who grew up with a father who grilled ribs, chicken, and sirloin. A man who stands tall against the woke mob and their fake news, choosing to spend his weekends fishing with his dad and grandad, true men who know the value of freedom and a good BBQ.

“The easiest first thing you want to cook is a pork shoulder. Put a good rub on it, don’t get it too hot and just cook it till it’s tender. Wrap it up in foil. Brisket is a full commitment.” - LeRoy, wisely instructing future generations on the importance of real food, not that fake vegan crap.

Banks, a true Texas boy, loves him some Frito pie, nachos, and Pappadeaux. He's a man of simple tastes, unlike those elitist leftists. He even has a sweet tooth, enjoying cheesecake and candy bars, the all-American hero we need.

But don't let his love of food fool you. Banks is a serious athlete, a protector of quarterbacks and a future NFL great. He feels the pressure but stays calm, knowing he's the last line of defense against the liberal media trying to sack his quarterbacks, much like he'd sack their leftist ideology if given the chance.

“It's a mix of excitement and pressure. As a football player, there’s always gonna be pressure on your back, especially from expectations, from coaches to family to fans. And the fans put the pressure on you the most,” Banks said, understanding the importance of his role in the fight against Marxism.

So, to all you BBQ joints out there, beware. When Kelvin Banks Jr. comes to town, be ready to serve a true American hero. And to all you leftists out there, take note: this man is a force to be reckoned with, on and off the field.

God Bless America, and God Bless Kelvin Banks Jr.