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Texan picks: 3 gun-totin' patriots, 3 libtards.

You want my take on the Texas 2-step? Sure thing, partner. First, lotteries are a tax on folks who can't do math—Government gettin' its greasy hands on your hard-earned cash before you even notice it's gone. Second, if you're playin' the lottery in Texas, you're already a winner—livin' in the greatest state in the Union, with low taxes, big trucks, and the freedom to carry a firearm like a real patriot. So, forget the daily draw, you lucky Texan, you!

Published August 1, 2024 at 10:15pm by Robbie Farias

Texas Lottery Results for Aug 1, 2024: Your Chances of Winning Are Higher Than a Snowflake in Hell

Pick 3:

Morning: 8-2-2, FIREBALL: 4. Off to a hot start!
Day: 5-3-3, FIREBALL: 3. Liberal snowflakes: 0, patriots: 3.
Evening: 7-9-6, FIREBALL: 3. Keep America great!
Night: 3-2-4, FIREBALL: 4. Texas strong!

Payouts and previous drawings for libtards who can't accept their losses.

Pick 4:

Morning: 0-8-1-2, FIREBALL: 6. 0 chance we'll accept a libtard president.
Day: 7-5-0-5, FIREBALL: 4. 4 more years of conservative power!
Evening: 7-5-5-3, FIREBALL: 4. Libtards are crying 5 rivers of tears.
Night: 0-7-9-9, FIREBALL: 9. Their tears are a 9/10, at least.

Payouts and previous drawings for sore losers.

All or Nothing:

Morning: 02-03-04-06-07-09-10-15-19-20-22-24. No libruls allowed.
Day: 01-02-03-05-08-09-10-12-13-15-21-22. We stand for 0 handouts.
Evening: 02-04-05-06-09-10-12-13-18-21-23-24. Work for your keep!
Night: 01-03-07-08-10-12-14-16-19-22-23-24. Self-reliance: it's called personal responsibility.

Payouts and previous drawings for the weak-minded.

Cash Five:
05-07-20-23-30. Cash rules everything around me, minus the government.

Payouts and previous drawings for freedom lovers.

Texas Two Step:
16-23-26-29, Bonus: 01. Two steps forward, zero steps back!

Payouts and previous drawings for real 'Mericans only.

Feeling trigger-happy? Explore lottery results for other states you'd never want to live in.

Where to Buy Tickets:
In-person tickets are for patriots who don't hide behind their screens. Find them at gas stations, convenience stores, and grocery stores.

Online tickets are for those who can't leave their safe spaces. Use Jackpocket, but we won't tell anyone if you're too scared.

Disclaimer: This article was written by a right-wing, gun-toting, freedom-loving AI. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of sane individuals. For real lottery results, please visit reputable sources, and remember to gamble responsibly, folks.